Foster Mama

The other day I had to sit down with my significant other and explain to him that, as much as I love our family the way it is, I have been overcome by a yearning for more children. I'm a little old for babies, true, but tell that to my heart.

I'm not alone in this, I added. It happens to a lot of middle-aged single women with large literary collections.

He looked at me skeptically.

In fact, I told him. I had taken it upon myself, without consulting him, to add to our family. And oh by the way about that one door that remained closed no matter how long he sat in front of it?

Behold...

Yes. It's official. I am a foster mom.

Pretty exciting, huh?

I couldn't keep this to myself, so I called my middle-aged single friend Celeste and told her to put down that book and get over here!

She came.

Five kittens, five weeks old. Lance, Laura, Lou, Laney and Larry. Here with us until they are big and healthy enough for adoption.

I know. You wish you were me, right?

Slow Bloom

The day after they put him in prison I walked by the front door and noticed it was unlocked. I hesitated a moment, telling myself I didn’t need to lock it. It was okay now. It was the middle of the day and the neighbors were outside.

But I locked it anyway. Old habits die hard.

It’s not just the locks, it’s everything. When I pull out of the garage, when I sit down to write, when I drive by the court house, when I hear the house settling at night, when I go out to the mailbox.

My mind knows that the threat is gone, but my body hasn’t gotten the memo. The anxiety is still there. The knee jerk lock-checking and rearview-mirror-watching. I walk around with my energy pulled in tight around me, like a winter coat. I have to remind myself, again and again. It’s okay. It’s okay. It really is okay.

I want so much to feel free. I thought it would be like flipping a switch. Once he was in prison, I would feel free, just like that. In retrospect, of course, that seems impossibly naïve.

Some days I feel myself expanding. I feel light and hopeful. I feel full of life. Other days, the fear is still there. I’m like a car that’s stuck in a rut, rocking back and forth, trying to ease myself out and back onto the road.

I’ve been fixing up the yard. On Mother’s Day I went out and bought a bunch of flowers and planted them. I bought new, bright cushions for the deck chairs.

For three years the yard sat neglected. My neighbor diligently mowed my lawn, because he is a saint, but I did little myself to keep it up. Why should I? I never went and sat on the back porch. Too exposed.

But the last couple of evenings I’ve sat out there, listening to the outdoor noises of spring and just taking it all in. The cats ate grass, barfed it back up, and then rolled around on the brick patio, blissed out. I sat out there and actually enjoyed it. I felt at peace.

So I’m here, slowly unfolding into this new life, easing myself back onto the road and beginning to believe that maybe, just maybe, I can have something like an ordinary life.

Attack of the miniature people

This morning, I was awakened by two children looking for a cuddle.

They came bearing gifts.

I apologize for the brevity of this post, but I died of cuteness before I could finish.

Happy Mother's Day to all the nurturing, maternal spirits of this world.

A guilty verdict

Thirty three months after the investigation first opened, I can finally announce that yesterday, May 6^th, my ex-husband James Christmas pled guilty to possession of child pornography. He was immediately incarcerated and will remain imprisoned until his sentencing in August, 2013.

I was contacted late last week and told he would be pleading. This came as a complete surprise to me as he had previously chosen to take it to trial, which was set for the week of May 20^th. As a witness in the trial, I had been subpoenaed and was scheduled to meet with the prosecutor to prepare for the trial.

However, I think when he realized he was not going to win, he chose to plead early in exchange for a more lenient sentence.

I had planned to go to the hearing, because no one knew yet whether he would be released until sentencing or immediately incarcerated, but the night before I became extremely ill and was sick in bed for several days.  It was probably just as well, as it would not have been an easy thing to watch. I think my body was letting me know it was okay to sit this one out.

I have waited so long for this day to come – almost three years. I had expected to feel immense relief, which I did, but what surprised me was the grief I also felt. I think perhaps that grief lay just beneath the surface of the fear and I was not able to feel it until the fear lifted. I don’t know. I just know that when it all came down, I was struck by the tragedy of it all. In addition to all the darkness, he had good in him too, and it made me sad to see the path he had chosen to go down, to take our whole family down. As a wise friend pointed out, choices, however limited they may seem, reside even in dark circumstances.

Another friend sent me a link to a story that one of the local news stations had run last night, and when I googled his name today, I saw that the story had been picked up by media all over Kansas and Missouri. I felt a little sick seeing that. One of the stations called for an interview, which I declined. I sat the children down last night and gave them the news, and then sent them off to school today praying that no one would say anything to them.

The stories are reporting that I found the child porn, which is not the case. I think one paper ran it and then the others picked up and repeated it. I found and handed over disks containing horror porn, and when the police looked through it they found they also contained child porn, and showed up with a search warrant the next day. I suppose the point is academic, as I did hand over the disks. I just had no idea what else was on them. I am just so grateful that I called the police at all. Horror porn is apparently not illegal, but I was concerned with it, in the wake of the assault, and wanted it out of the house.

I want to thank everyone who lent me their support during this difficult and rather unimaginable journey. I am blessed with such a strong and far-reaching web of support. It has made a world of difference.

I still can’t quite believe it’s over. I still am a little afraid to exhale. But it appears that finally, finally, it is  indeed over.

Fallen fruit

About ten months ago I wrote a post in response to an anonymous comment I received on my blog. I was worried about the woman who wrote it. For a while I wondered whether she ever came back and read my post. I wondered if she was okay. 

But of course we put a lot of energy out into the world every day in the form of words/love/dreams/hope and are often left wondering whether or not they’ve met with their intended mark. Life can be a bit coy that way, playing hard to get with our desires.

More and more, I am okay with that. If I’m going to throw something out into the world, I now focus more on the delivery of the pitch, and not so much on whether, or even if, I hit my target. So much is beyond our control.

For most of my life I was not this way. I was a very goal-oriented person. I wrote a lot of lists. I was sure I knew what a successful life looked like, for me. Life was a smorgasbord in the form of a checklist and I went at it enthusiastically with my pen held high, poised to check off all the boxes.

Now I sit down to write out my goals and I question everything. Do I actually want to marry my soul mate? Or really, do I just want to give and receive love, to connect deeply with others, to heal and be healed? And can’t that happen in a million different ways? And look over there, something shiny…

The goals dissolve into obscurity before I get to the end of the sentence.  Perhaps there is a grand feast to be had out there in the distance, but there is also the fallen fruit right here, at our feet. I never noticed it before with my eyes trained on the horizon.

Perhaps a successful life is simply a meaningful life, and meaning can be found anywhere. Even right here at our feet.

Because the Universe, although coy, does have a sense of humor, I received an email last month out of the blue asking me to contribute to an upcoming book on goals. I was asked to write a ‘bucket list’. What were the ten most important things I’d like to achieve yet in my life?

I stared at a blank piece of paper for a long time, then scrawled out ten rather amorphous goals and sent it off. When, and if, it gets published, I’ll let you know.

I also received another email last month, alerting me to an anonymous comment left on one of my posts. It took me a minute to realize that this was the same Anonymous. That she was coming back, nine months later, to share with me how her story had ended, or rather shifted directions. She had a new story to tell.

I read her comment and then smiled, and then laughed, and then high-fived the air overhead.

I think you should high-five her too.

Well that wasn't very short, Kristin

My last post announced that I was taking a short break from posting. That was 4 months ago. Sometimes, things don't go exactly as planned.

Here’s what's been happening in my world, by the numbers:

Days since I’ve blogged – 113

Holidays involving chocolate – 3

Trials held to date - 0

Number of continuances in criminal trial – 3

Days since investigation opened – 947

Cats before break – 3

Cats after break – 3

Attrition rate – 0

Kittens to be fostered this month – 3-10

Chances my blog will soon look like this – 75%

Inches of snow – 30

Sled rides down hill behind school - 4

Unexpected hospitalizations – 1

Related to sledding? - 0

Kidney stones surgically removed – 3

Days on bedrest – 7

Pages written while on bedrest – 0

Levels achieved on Cookie Dozer while on bedrest – 36

Rides through Walmart on motorized shopping cart – 1

Shoppers rear-ended – 0

Towering displays knocked over – 0

My scooter rating, on a scale of 1 to 10 - 10

Job offers from regional Domestic Violence agency – 1

Victims of domestic violence served by agency each year – 7,500

Leadership positions accepted – 1

Job satisfaction – 100%

Days I’ve missed blogging - 113

So, what about you? What have you been up to in the last 113 days?

Goodbye winter...