Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Hello Vicodin, My Name is Kristin


I haven't posted in a few days because I've had a migraine.  Pesky things, those.  I started getting migraines about two years ago. I never know when one is going to hit.  I try to prevent them, and failing that I try to abort them (you should see my pharmacopeia), but if that doesn't work, I have to resort to Vicodin. Because Vicodin is a narcotic, if I'm taking it I'm not supposed to operate any complex machinery, such as cars or accounting software or brains for that matter. So if I take it at work I usually end up calling Jim to give me a ride, which is a nuisance because then we have to work out how to get my car home. So I try to avoid doing that if at all possible; however, since my headaches are unfortunately frequent, my coworkers have had several opportunities to witness my drugged state.

Celeste loves my Vicodin days because she thinks I'm a barrel of fun. One day I asked Catherine, our receptionist, if Celeste had returned from lunch yet, when I heard Celeste laughing behind me. Not only had she been back from lunch for a full 3 hours, but I had had several in-depth conversations with her. So, you see, this is my brain on Vicodin.

But sometimes, I just have too much work to get done and I can't afford to take a day off. Like today, for instance. I really need to close the November financials. I've only taken one Vicodin, so it's not like it's going to knock me off my feet. I'll just slow down a bit and double-check my work, that's all.

So here's the plan. I ask Catherine to hold my calls and she says she will. I run into the wall and apologize to it. I ask Celeste to stop laughing at me and she says no way. I sit at my desk and stare at the computer screen.

I'm looking at the balance sheet and there was something I was going to do with it and I'm trying to remember what it was when my boss Don walks in and asks if I have the cash flow analysis completed. I nod and hand him my stapler. I see a look of comprehension cross his face and I know he must be pleased with my work. Which is great. Because I just love Don. And Celeste and Catherine too. I mean, I really, really love them.

But back to the balance sheet. I think I was going to add something to it and I'm pretty sure it was a number. It probably started with something between 1 and 9, and there may have been more digits that followed.

You know I've never noticed this before, but I'm staring at the fluorescent lights on my ceiling and thinking how much they remind me of those moving walkways in airports. Just two long strands. I can't believe I've never noticed this before.

But I can't think about that right now because I need to focus on the balance sheet. Except that I can't, because Don keeps coming in and giving me Sudoku puzzles and telling me he needs them completed before I even start on the financials.

You know, I'm actually really good at Sudoku. But these are tetty prough. And I have to hurry up because it's already eleventy-thirty. Jim will be here soon to prick me up. I wonder if Celeste would hrep me. I'm trying to mebmember her number but for the rife of me I can't recall it. I think I'll jus lay drown and brake a rittle breast.

But it's hard becrause my desk is spinnink. I'm trying to strop it. Fruckin dresk. De henner Jim gezir.

Nippeldorf.

Fluten.


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9 comments:

  1. Nippledorf? I hear it's nice in spring.....

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  2. Matthew, everywhere is nice on Vicodin!

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  3. you sound a ritter asain when you're drugged

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  4. I can't believe how accurate of a picture you paint of your day. I'm impressed. I didn't think you'd actually remember any of it!

    I'm wondering if our rosy budget forecast is just your brain on Vicodin. Wait 'till they look over the real numbers.

    I haven't stopped laughing about your Armenian flag e-mail, and now this is adding to the fun. Except for being distracted, woozy, in pain, and a little confused, you totally ROCK when you're stoned on Vicodin.

    And we need to talk to Don about distracting you with Sudoku when you have so much work to do.

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  5. Hmmmm...things to do....ah yes...cross Kristin off the short list of my potential new accountants.

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  6. I mention that my regular migraines are fixed with Sumitriptan - but the after effects of this are diabolical and I have a post-migraine hangover for at least a day. What's worse - wine and chocolate give me migraines (shriek!).

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  7. Badger, I take Sumitriptan, but it doesn't always work for me unfortunately. I've heard that about wine and chocolate but I choose not to believe it. I'm not sure which would be worse, life with migraines or life without wine and chocolate.

    And I don't know why you don't want me to be your accountant. You could pay me in bottlecaps and I wouldn't know the difference.

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  8. Maybe your migraines are just the hangover from wine and chocolate?

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  9. "Nippledorf" is now officially my word-of-the-year.

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