Thursday, December 17, 2009

Ho Ho Hum

It’s true. I gave my kids donuts for breakfast. The little pre-packaged kind covered in powdered sugar. You would have thought that Hello Kitty had personally flown in on a winged bunicorn to serve them, that’s how excited they were. They were probably in a sugar coma before noon. It was an impulse buy while I was at the store last night trying to find something to bring to today’s potluck. Why do people insist on having holiday potlucks? I think we have enough to keep us busy this time of year.

When Celeste was passing around the sign-up sheet with the different categories I could have taken an easy out and just signed up for a dessert, but I was feeling generous or martyrific and told her to just let me know which category was looking light after everyone else signed up. Coming into the home stretch, it was looking like it would be entrees and I joked that maybe I should bring a turkey (ha ha), then I thought a pre-sliced ham would be easy (but wait, no – oy, vey). But at the last minute entrees filled up and so it was that I ended up wandering the aisles of Price Chopper last night in a post-migraine hangover thinking to myself: appetizer...appetizer. I walked past a display of tortilla chips sporting a photograph of deliriously happy people gathered around a bowl of queso dip with ground beef and chilies and thought: that’ll do.  I don't know what's gotten into me this year.  Seriously, someone inject me with some holiday spirit before I pass out.

When I got home Jim convinced me that we should take the kids out to look at Christmas lights. So we piled them into the Big Ugly. Aside: We have a car named the Big Ugly and this is how we got it. Last year Jim drove out to California to take care of some rental property he has out there. He took his little Saturn, which was on its last leg, because he didn’t want to buy a new car and then put a bunch of miles on it driving it across the country. Jim always buys little economy cars. He hates SUV’s—has a visceral dislike of anything that gets less than about 80 mpg—God forbid you drive by him in a Hummer. Anyway, he was on his way home, halfway between Albuquerque and nowhere and his Saturn gives out, loses a rocker gasket or some essential piece of engine matter. He sputters into a one-horse town with a gas station, a motel and a porno shop and his car coughs and dies. There is no car rental place within 300 miles, no bus station or train depot, and the gas station says it will take a week to get a new rocker gasket delivered. He’s fortunate, however, as they do have a few vehicles for sale, priced just right. The man takes him around back to reveal three early-model, rusted-out SUV’s.

When Jim pulled into our driveway in the 1995 kelly green Ford Explorer I knew I could never let him live this down. Despite the fact that it has no air conditioning and the left door doesn’t fully close and there is an Air Supply CD permanently stuck in the player, it’s not a bad truck. We use it for hauling mulch and Christmas trees and taking the kids to go look at lights. The kids get so excited every time we take it anywhere you would think we’d served them powdered donuts.

So anyway, we drove around and found some neighborhoods that were pretty decked out and one commercial establishment that had really gone all out and set up a light display that was coded to flash in time to the music on a radio station.  We parked across the street and ate Christmas cookies and watched that for a while until the kids fell into a sugar coma.

Finally, I’m kind of excited because our very own handyman, Seroj, is mildly famous. He’s getting his own column in the Kansas City Star: Ask a Handyman. We’re also featuring him in our monthly agency newsletter. To get things started, they’ve asked us to come up with questions for him. So I sent him one yesterday. Here it is:

I have some cracked ceramic floor tiles in my bathroom that I'd like to replace. I noticed that they had been glued down to 1/2” plywood with a 5/8” particle board underlayment. What I'm wondering is, if I have 1-5/8" drywall screws spaced every 4", can I get an Armenian flag?

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  1. I have holiday spirit playing through my computer speakers 8-10 hrs/day in my office. Come on over and get your fill. Tastes great, and less filling than latkes.

    Or you can hop in my car anytime and hear about the secular culture's assault on Christmas, and how folks are mobilizing to take Christmas back for Jesus and America.

    Is that what you meant? Good - thought so. Happy holidays.

  2. I just died laughing at your Handyman question. Well, not really as I'm still about to type the comment, but you get what I mean.

    Meh, Christmas. I've got no spirit either.


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