Monday, December 28, 2009

I Resolve to Acquire Togo, Belize and Cameroon

First off, I have to say I am crestfallen. I opened the (virtual) Kansas City Star to read Seroj’s column, Ask A Handyman, only to discover that he had chosen to answer someone else’s question, about creosote buildup of all things. I’m going to assume this is because no one bothers to read the paper on Boxing Day so he specifically chose a low interest topic and is saving my question for a higher-readership day. Creosote buildup!

And speaking of Boxing Day, my smart (ty pants) friend Celeste told me that there is this neat little site called Google that I can use to answer burning questions such as “Why do they call it Boxing Day?” Just to be original, I went to Wikipedia instead and read that the origins of the holiday are unknown, but some believe it is tied to the ye olde tradition of leaving metal boxes outside churches to collect offerings for the feast of St. Stephen. So there ya go.

I heard from my old friend Bill in Canberra the other day. And when I say old I mean as in a long time ago. Bill and I studied writing together at KU a couple years ago. Or a couple score. I can't keep track. He's the world's second greatest poet, out-writ only by his daughter. Bill told me he's been reading my blog and is responsible for my first Australian flag, so beat that! No, really. Beat it. There are lots of flags I still need.

And speaking of Australian writers, Veronica and I have bonded over the fact that we both have faux marbley-looking plastic laminate countertops and that if either of us had $8,000 burning a hole in our pockets we have the good sense to spend it on something other than a big attractive slab of rock. Score one, us. If you want to see some beautiful food stuff photographed against her faux marbley countertops just click here, though I’m going to warn you, if you do, you might be slightly less impressed with my suet-cake-in-baggie shot. Just remember, I have other talents (i.e., teen bowling sensation).

It finally stopped snowing, just in time for all the good working folk of Kansas to go back to the office Monday morning (sigh). I was utterly surprised to discover that Amy Leigh decided to voluntarily stay another day at her parents' house, despite the break in the weather, thus sparing me from having to stage a friendervention. I reminded her that this turn of events somewhat screwed with my blog plotline, but she seemed unconcerned. Perhaps when faced with a return to the daily grind and a massive driveway-shoveling, a seventh reading of the Heart is a Lonely Hunter seemed compelling.  Or maybe someone likes a helping of drama with her Christmas ham.

Both the kids are home all week but I have to work because I blew all my PTO on my trip to Australia in September. Jim is staying home with them because he’s been with the same company for more than half his life and accrues PTO at such an advanced rate that if he doesn’t take a day off every six minutes he starts to lose his. It’s a terrible burden.

By the way, I’ve decided to contest my traffic ticket. My court date is Wednesday morning. I don’t think I’ll go with the monster rocks defense. My top strategy is hoping the cop doesn’t show up, in which case I’ve heard they just drop the charges. Failing that, I’ve been reading online what possible choices I have. One site reminded me to show up on time, dress neatly, not listen to my Walkman and address the judge as Your Honor (do they still make Walkmans?).

There are lots of sites that want to sell me handbooks on how to beat the system. One site guarantees results to everyone who has been ripped off and robbed at radar point (no sleazy lawyers needed)! It is endorsed by a former police officer from Michigan who says that EVERY speeding ticket he ever issued could have been dismissed if citizens had known the closely guarded secrets that are revealed in this handbook. One grateful client said that she “based her defense entirely on the fact that the radar gun should have been (omitted) with (omitted) and asked the officer to prove it.” If I can only figure out what words have been omitted then I won’t have to pay the money for the handbook. I’m thinking that the radar gun should have been calibrated with something. Do you think if I just go in there and dress neatly and say Your Honor and mumble something about calibration that I’ll get a pass? I think it’s worth a try. I’ll let you know how it goes. Here’s hoping my good cop karma kicks in.

Finally, I have to tell you about this new wine I've discovered. It’s called Pinot Noir. I had a bottle the other night and thought I'd died and gone to heaven. I know what you're thinking. Hey Kristin, welcome to 2004. Ever seen the movie Sideways, girlfriend? Yes, actually, I have. I thought it was a little whiny and tedious for an art house flick. But I'm a bit slow to pick up on trends. I only began to ease off Merlot in favor of Syrah a few years ago. It was incredibly smooth and not too sweet and it didn’t give me a wineover or make me wake up at 3:00 a.m. the way some wines do. You ought to try it.

I'm a little stressed.  I only have three days to come up with my New Year's resolutions.  And I'm afraid all the best ones have already been taken.  I actually reached my major goals last year (start writing again, go to Australia, lose some weight) so now I feel a need to top that.  Then again, if I wait until late in 2010 to come up with my resolutions, I'll have a better chance of achieving them.  Other than more travel and more writing, I'm fuzzy on the rest of my resolution details.  But you can bet they'll include some serious flag accumulation.
Bookmark and Share


  1. $8,000 would buy me a whole new kitchen renovation/extension, so I can safely say I wouldn't buy a slab of rock with it.

  2. Funny thing, I just watched Sideways last night at my friends because he spends too much money on electronics and now has a projection room. We enjoyed a nice pinot with the movie. One friend had actually been to the restaurant in the movie and brought a botel of pinot from one of the wineries. It made the movie all that more fun along with the benefits of projection...she got to make shadow hand gestures on the wall...kind of like when we were kids and could make our hands have shadows that resembled rabbits and dogs. Her gestures were a bit more XXX rated!

  3. excuse the spelling....bottle!

  4. Good luck on contesting your ticket...if anyone can have it thrown out I'm sure you can...:0)

    I've never been a red wine drinker...I find they tend to give me a huge head ache and wake me up half a dozen times in a night!!! Besides most I've tasted are unpleasant...but maybe I just haven't found the "right one"?

    I don't know about a resolution...I haven't made one for a few years...someone mentioned instead of a resolution choose a special word...make it your word for 2010...don't ask me what word has to be yours!!! I didn't do that either...:0)


  5. Holy shit I acquired Cameroon!! How did that happen? Hey Anon, I bet the xxx hand gestures improved the movie! Thanks for the vote of confidence AI, my husband is already resigning himself to having to post bail.

  6. I don't think I have a Cameroon yet....



Mmmm, comments - nom, nom, nom, nom!


Related Posts with Thumbnails