Thursday, February 18, 2010

Team USA! Team US... Oh. Shiznit.

There was a 40 car pileup just north of us here on Sunday. Remarkably, there were no fatalities, though I’m sure it fubared the rest of the day for all involved.

This was a major disappointment for all of us watching the news at home. It had been looking good going into the finishing stretch. The yellow bug from Bonner Springs performed flawlessly, gliding in and out of tight openings in the traffic. The tan Bronco was driven by a couple from Canada and viewers had mixed feelings about the ethics of this, drivers switching countries at the 11th hour, presumably thinking they would fare better here due to the heavy ice driving competition at home. The quick-thinking silver minivan pulled off a glorious combination Y-spin / axle pivot and narrowly avoided the bug, only to be smacked by a Ford Escort botching a poorly-rendered double lutz.

In the end though, they all just royally fucked the landing.

Little known fact. I competed in singles ice driving last winter. While heading northbound on I-35 I hit a patch of black ice and executed a flawless triple salchow off the interstate and down an embankment. Though I stumbled a bit on the landing I came to rest against a K-DOT fence near the adjoining access road, sustaining only minor body damage. The judges at GMAC insurance gave me top scores for not-costing-them-much-money. Jim, however, after receiving our rate increase, has refused to sponsor me again this year. Spoil sport.

Speaking of ice driving, if you want to add a seriously enjoyable few minutes to your day, click here and read this post by Katie. I guarantee it will have you fist pumping on your drive home and shouting “grass mow” at every chaw-chewing redneck with a confederate flag slapped on the bumper of his F-150. Considering where I live, I was hoarse by the time I got home. Don’t ask. Just read.

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  1. I stuck my landing, baby. Gold all the way!

  2. You and your 4-wheel drive Prius. You're my hero (today)!

  3. I thought it was only the Australians that failed at ice driving. I don't know my salchows from my double lutzs but I can manage a pretty good twizzle in the drizzle.

  4. Ice driving, phut.. try a Queensland back road during a Cane Toad migration, talk about slippery. Ugh...

  5. First, Thank you for the link. Yippee. People are reading me who did not actually give birth to me. Nice. Second, besides writing a book, you should: Do the traffic updates for your local news station, have your own talk show where you invite people to sit in and comment about anything and everything. It could be the very people who comment on your blog entries. As if what you write isn't LAUGH out loud funny enough, the people who leave comments here KILL me. Thank you for being a bright spot in my DREARY winter days!! XXOO

  6. Oh, And cars 1&2 in that pile up..ok. Cars 3-40 total frickin' A*holes. Defensive driving people. Licences revoked!

  7. You should try the double Luge (Holy Fuck!) and have Jim sit on your lap. You can hardly be blamed for what happens then!

  8. Shame on them, they obviously didn't do enough practise. Lazy buggers.

    That Katie girl sounds nice, I'm off to have a look at her blog now.


Mmmm, comments - nom, nom, nom, nom!


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