Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Let’s make some history, ya’ll

Did you hear the news? Texas is rewriting history. Literally.

The heavily republican Texas State Board of Education has voted to alter history textbooks to downplay the separation of church and state and dramatize the infiltration of communism during the Cold War. Our founding fathers have suddenly become less secular and more Christian. And why not? If you can’t change something as arbitrary as history with a simple majority of votes, why that’s just downright undemocratic.

In fact, I think we could all benefit from a little revisionist history. For instance, I’m a writer and you’re a reader of my blog. Which account of my day which you rather read?

Version 1:

6:45 a.m. Alarm goes off for fifth time, I stumble out of bed, wake kids, pour them bowls of sugar-coated-vitamin-injected chocolate cereal, shower and dress while deftly avoiding bathroom scale, perform morning drop and kiss, blare Divinyls as weave through traffic, undergo caffeine consumption ritual (repeat), commence workslave routine, etc., etc., yawn.

Or...

Version 2:

7:45 a.m. Kiss children goodbye as whole-foods-certified nanny whisks them off to school, shower, step onto scale and (gasp!) have reclaimed my high school weight? In fact, can slip into flags I haven't worn in 15 years! Head out the door to work and...wait, back up, let's revise that. I don't have to go to work because I remember that money now grows on trees in my backyard. Problem solved. In fact, ring, ring, that's my agent on the phone, seems like the publishers are fighting over my book (just like the last one, silly publishers).

Wave to throngs of adoring fans as I wrestle into the car the four-foot tall Hello Kitty cake which I've made entirely out of fondant and which I will drop off in Anna's classroom to enrapture/mortify her before reminding the nanny to have the Polar Express pick Danny up from school.

Stop off at local coffee shop for caffeine consumption ritual. Open New York Times to discover that congress has ordered revision of all school texts to correct minor factual errors in an effort to present an accurate account of historical events; for instance the U.S. did not actually win the Mexican-American War in 1848 but fought to a draw, kept California, and chose to cede Texas to Mexico. Also read that the U.S. has pledged a large amount of foreign aid to Mexico, which is experiencing serious economic crisis as a result of a tremendous national deficit run up by a self-seeking and witless leader who led the country into an ill-advised war and siphoned the nation's wealth off to his cronies, one Presidente Jorge. Tsk, tsk, Mexico.

Thanks to the long string of non-republican leadership in the U.S. and corresponding heavy investment in the sciences we have at our disposal such gems as this (whipping out my ImpendoMeter, which enables me to accurately read my future without the aid of astrology). Peering into it I see that I can expect continued: heavy book sales, international adulation, breast firmness and eventual splendid death by Australian men.

Yes, bravo Texas! Revisionist history for all.


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15 comments:

  1. History always repeats itself. Does hubby know about the previous Australian men? :)

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  2. Previous? Is this more revisionist history? Shhhh...he'll be too busy dying a splendid death by redheaded Irish lasses to notice anything.

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  3. I love nothing more than turning sobs of frustration into tears of laughter. Thanks for taking me from one to the other. Version 2, no doubt!!

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  4. Gah. This kind of thing makes me NUTS. Totally makes me think of when the Communists/Russians 'rewrote' history here in Poland, and re-printed all the history books to gloss over plenty of stuff they had done over here. For 43 years, they taught kids their version of 'history' and it was not until post-1990 that Poles suddenly found out WHAT HAD HAPPENED in their own country.

    Censorship, propoganda and 'selective' history. Gah.

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  5. Ahhh, I only skimmed the last paragraph. You lost me at "Mexican-American War".

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  6. I like what you did. I'm thinking of revising my life. There will only be size 10 clothes (remember, I'm UK - that's quite small), clean non-farting children, actually that applies to the husband as well now I think of it, and many lovely home baked apple pies instead of shop bought pizza.

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  7. I would like to revise my life too please... I like the sound of Barbara's revision.

    Also... I'd add that we can teleport to see each other whenever we like, so we can always pop in to say hello and have cocktails. ;)

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  8. Love this post! You're absolutely right! It's scary to think that politicians believe they can just re-write history all willy-nilly.

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  9. got a good laugh, the start of a great day, thanks!

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  10. Being the party who re-writes history means you have the power. History is always re-written by whoever has the power....

    Lucky for you, in your blog, it's you!

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  11. My best teacher in high school--who taught U.S. history--told us that the first thing we needed to do was throw our textbook in the bottom of our locker and never read it again, because public high schools have to use whatever Texas approves. That was over 20 years ago. They'll rewrite history and then rewrite history repeating itself.

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  12. There's only one accurate account of history - mine :)

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  13. Crap. I am gonna get horrible propaganda emails about how GOD himself would approve of this idea of rewriting history. Thanks for the heads up.

    Makes me PROUD to be a Michigander.

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  14. Napoleon's remark still rings true: "History is a myth agreed upon." Now with so many different versions of history being written, it just depends which myth best suits your personal prejudices.

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Mmmm, comments - nom, nom, nom, nom!

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