Monday, May 24, 2010

Pacing, waiting


My life moves in slow motion. I am here. My future, out there, impossibly way out there. There is much that needs to be settled first. Papers gathered, numbers crunched, negotiations, mediation, settlement, waiting for dates to pass, tick tock. Time strewn carelessly into the distance. Anxiety.

I feel like a caged animal who has caught the scent of the wild on a stray gust of wind. Pacing, pacing, vomiting up yesterday's stale food. Feet bleeding from pawing at the concrete. Angry, exhilarated, desperate, fully alive.

I don't do endurance well. I'm not the long-suffering type. I was reading on a friend's blog yesterday that she had assigned her class the book Night by Elie Wiesel. I was assigned that book in high school and then again in college. After two years I dropped out of college to travel. Years later I returned to another college. In Humanities, they again assigned Night and asked us to write a paper on it. Two days later I handed in a well-reasoned essay on why, while I understood how important it was that our generation fully comprehend the significance and inhumanity of the Holocaust, I would never fucking read Night again. I got an A on the paper.

So I get up each day, I go about my business, I pace. At night, I curl up in the corner and sleep with one eye open, waiting.





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24 comments:

  1. I don't know what say. But it would feel voyeuristic to not comment.

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  2. Nothing to say just loads of hugs.xoxo

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  3. Nothing to say just loads of hugs.xoxo

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  4. You know, some people say to other people "oh you're so brave" when they are going through something shitty and it always sounds like such a wank.
    But, there IS a braveness (is that a word?) to you. I reckon I've shut off that part of my brain/heart/soul/whatever to feeling the type of things you are going through and so, I can't help but admire you and your pacing and regurgitating.
    I dunno, I just don't let me brain go anywhere difficult anymore - I try not to let it do the thinking. I prefer to live in a world of rainbows and butterflies.
    I never used to think of myself as cowardly - I was prepared to live through the hard stuff. Now, I'm not so sure. I'm not sure if it's cowardice or fatigue but it's definitely denial.
    More power to you and being fully alive.

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  5. I hate waiting. I make a decision and that's it. So I can really empathise with you my sweeting. Also what is up with feedburner when I was over here this morning you had 170 readers, damn feedburner is all over the shop

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  6. I'm still pacing, almost a year later, waiting for my divorce to finally come through. It's HARD to wait. I know.
    You will get there though. It's just a hard road to get there. xx

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  7. Oh, don't I know it. Up close and personal. I hate it hate it hate it.

    I'll give this stupid f'ing process this: it's teaching me a good bit about developing a bit of patience just for pure survival's sake.

    Sigh.

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  8. oh my god, that description of a caged in the second paragraph is so gripping, and i love how you don't ever say 'cat' or 'tiger' or whatever. it comes through. the art is so perfect. good luck with all the anxiety. that sucks. but a marvelous post.

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  9. You have lots of us pacing and waiting with you.
    You're not alone.
    Xx

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  10. Thanks all for throwing some love through the bars while I wait. xo

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  11. Great post. Great picture. Strong lady. Big hugs.

    http://marketingtomilk.wordpress.com

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  12. It sucks- but you get through.

    (Says the woman who's been separated over 4 years.)

    Waiting is never easy or fun. Try to find ways to take your mind off of it. I know it's easier for me to say, than for you to do, but once you start that also becomes more easily and next thing you know you're well on your way to moving on.

    Hugs.

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  13. My new motto...DO HARD THINGS...girl, that's all I got...But I must tell you because I'd be a lair if I didn't I still wish I could drop the F bomb as liberally as I do in private. Hee hee
    Hugs Mamma!

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  14. Hope your own night is over soon, my dear....

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  15. I hate depending on other people so I won't marry again. after 2 I am done.

    I will be 40 very soon, too soon.
    I have no idea how much you hurt, I was hurt and relieved, more relieved. I didn't have small people involved. I love ya.

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  16. It is unfortunately the way of the world, especially in the way of divorce. Wish I had some good advice on this one, but the old one of patience being a virtue is really crap most of the time. But maybe me just saying I hear you and understand having been there myself once will help. I hope so. xxx

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  17. Thanks Kakka, it does help. Of course it helps. You all help. xoxo

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  18. If you weren't such a big scary wild cat I'd give you a hug.

    What's that you say? You're just a pussy cat at heart? Oh, go on then, hugs aplenty for you.

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  19. I was wondering how you were going; hope you're let out of your cage soon *hugs*

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  20. Just take care of yourself whilst you are caged. Then when you are free from the pacing, you can fly. xx

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  21. Good luck! (This too will pass)

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