Sunday, May 2, 2010

Wander (not) lust

Pssst... my blog has been infiltrated! By a singularly crazy woman who births children in her driveway, sees dead people on her iPhone and wears these while she vacuums:

I should be alarmed, but I'm not. Because (a) she's Lori from Random Ramblings of a SAHM and (b) I'm somewhere far more spectacular. More on this later today.  But before she hurts me, I'm going to let her speak...

* * * * * * *


Now, hold up. Before you get all shirty and start going "Who the hell are you and where the f**ck is Kristin?", just chill out. I have infiltrated this blog for the day to bring y'all some of my totally super awesome guest posting type stuff. OK? OK.

Now, given that our hostess with mostess was, it seems, born on entirely the wrong continent, and spends a good deal of her time plotting ways to get back to her soul country, Australia, it is mostly logical that a lot of you, her Followers, would be the travel-bug type.

Well hello there, travel buggees. I'm Lori. Your Anti-Christ.

Travel bug people, I have nothing against you, really. It's just that I don't understand you and your kin. I don't understand people who make small talk by asking,

"So, have you traveled?"
"Uh, no. I've been on a couple of driving holidays up the coast, but that's about it.".
"Oh. Really?".
Then they look at me pitifully and say something mundane along the lines of "Well, maybe one day."

As if I am missing on on some kind of singularly miraculous experience. I guess it's the same way I look at people who choose not to have children. Whatever.

You see, there are a few reasons I'm am not a sufferer of this morbid condition known as wanderlust(lust). I'm a comfort zone kinda girl. I'm happy to stretch my comfort zone every now and then, but it's more in the terms of learning a new magic trick, performing to a bigger audience, starting a new class in one thing or another. I'm happy to mentally jump from my comfy, cushion strewn mind couch.

But physically, I like to stay put.

And enter Big Reason I Don't Travel, number two.

I am freaking terrified of flying.

I mean it. The thought of getting on a plane makes me break into a cold sweat. Even Magda doing star jumps in a cowboy hat can't entice me.

I hate to be the one to break this to you, travel buggers. But humans are just not meant to fly. If we were meant to fly, God would have given us wings or jet packs sticking out our bums or the power of levitation or something. Being that high in the air, in something that heavy, defies the natural laws of gravity.

No wonder it so often ends badly.

fail owned pwned pictures

And this one hasn't even gotten off the ground yet..

I have actually left the safety of Australia once. By plane, obviously, boats freak me out even more than planes do. But I was five and it was at my mother's insistence. And we went to New Zealand. So I'm not sure that counts.

So while I'm sure it's lovely, getting lots of little stamps in your passport, eating sh*tty airline cardboard food and listening to screaming kids for 20 hours straight (not my screaming kids, they don't fly either), then being roughed up by beefy customs officials who may or may not plant some illicit drugs in your carry-on that lands you in an overcrowded squalor of a jail for the next twenty years; it just aint for me. My husband is disgusted. And I live with the pity of well traveled people.

But at least I will never experience the moment when the dreaded oxygen masks drop from the roof. And in a zen kinda way, I'm quite happy with that.

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  1. Agreed. Planes are scary and I need to he HIGHLY sedated to get on one. Highly.

  2. I only flew to London and Ireland and both times I used way more prescription pills than advised. I don't think they worked very well. But that won't stop me from traveling... all the way to Australia, too, as I feel the need (like someone we know) to visit that continent (I am from Slovenia). I love love love traveling: it's not just about the place you visit, it's about the history , the people, different ways of life, discovering that things we take for granted are not necessarily in the reach of others. Travels helped love my country even more and they taught me the respect for other cultures. And I still, and always will hate flying, but conquering my fears is the only way to go.

  3. I don't mind flying, myself. But I get crazy anxious when my loved ones fly.

    And those boots? My man WISHES I'd clean in those. (Because when I DO wear boots like that, it means good things for him. *ahem*.)

  4. I'm so with you on this one Lori! :)

  5. The flying has never been the issue, just the unplanned landings ! I guess there are always square rigged sail boats.

    Anyway Lori, you never need to leave these shores as we have it ALL here, thats why THEY all come HERE !

    By the way ~ Great Guest Blog ~ Loved it !

  6. Great guest post, Lori. I LOVE to travel, but no one else in my family does so I can understand your point of view. They (appear to) enjoy my stories when I come back from a trip, but they have no desire to go themselves. You've either been bitten by the travel bug or you haven't!

  7. Funny stuff. I never do understand how airplanes get off the ground. My husband tries to explain about flight using words like "lift" and "thrust", but then my eyes glaze over and the only trip I want to make is to the bedroom!

  8. Awesome guest post! I'm with you, freaking hate every second of flying. And I like my 3 day driveable getaways to be honest. Sure, I do hanker for the kids club at Fiji where I hear they take your kids off you and you sit around a pool and sip mojitos. But not enough to get on a plane at this stage. :)

  9. I *love* flying. Actually, not so much the flying as the destination.

    I'll tell you what, you all just send me your frequent flyer miles and I'll take care of them for you, okay?

  10. Lori, two words. Sleeping pills. Hehehe.

  11. Planes are cool and yes, NZ does count. It's safer flying (statistically) than driving your car, but then you do have further to fall than a car. Traveling around South America, I prefer bus, because you see more and I'm in no hurry. Now I have to pop off over to your place and see what kb is up to over there.



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