Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Me and Glenn Beck. God dammit.

I was reading today that Glenn Beck came out and announced that he may be going blind and my first inclination was to think well hey, now all he needs to do is go deaf and he will have achieved the grand trifecta of afflictions.

The article said that he had been diagnosed with something called macular dystrophy and when I saw that a bell went off. A small, persistent and slightly alarming bell.

You see, I went in for my annual eye examination last week and all was going swimmingly, as usual. I popped in my new contacts and when asked to read the eye charts I covered my left eye and rattled off a string of letters. When I went to do the same with the other eye, I noticed I couldn’t make out the letters. “Do you think you have the prescription correct?“ I asked the doctor. He nodded yes. “Well, perhaps there is something on the lens.” I said.

At this point he pulled up a photograph he had taken of my left eye and pointed to a yellow spot on my retina. He said it was an area of swelling and he wanted me to go to a retinal specialist to have it checked out. He said these spots can sometimes be caused by stress, that he didn’t want to alarm me, but if it progresses it can lead to loss of vision within six months. He was talking about macular dystrophy.

I left his office feeling flummoxed and mildly alarmed. This was not at all what I had expected. I decided to assume the best and shove it to the back of my mind until I had seen the specialist, which I haven’t yet done. After all, I have been under a great deal of stress and he did say that was a possible factor. And I had almost managed to forget about it completely until I read about Glenn Beck.

But I’m not going to worry too much. After all, I’ve lost more than my share of chips at medical roulette over the last several years. Remember fuck cancer and all that? I figure I’ve built up some good diagnostic karma. But just in case, I’m going to try really hard to refrain from making any more Glenn Beck jokes. As much as I’d love to wonder out loud how he’s going to tie this to Obama’s alignment with Hitler or, wow, muse at the irony of his not being able to find affordable health insurance should he lose his job with Fox. I. Just. Won’t.

Dammit.

I'll view this as an opportunity to muster up some empathy for Beck.  I wouldn't wish blindness or, for that matter, any physical affliction on anyone.  Humility, open-mindedness, compassion, tolerance and grace perhaps.  But not physical affliction.  And please don’t worry about me, because I’m not fretting. I’ll wait until I have something concrete to go on before I beg for your sympathy (in the form of chocolate). Either way, I give you free reign to make tasteless jokes at my expense.


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32 comments:

  1. Does it count if I make the Glenn Beck jokes for you? Because I love to make Glenn Beck jokes. That dude makes me look perfectly sane. Should I diagram how on a chalk board and circle things a few hundred times and possibly conjure up some crocodile tears because I LOVE MY COUNTRY?

    Sorry to hear about your eye. Whatever you do: refrain from consulting Dr. Google. He's totally a doomsday physician without an actual license.

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  2. Eeeek! I am hoping that it isn't anything too serious!

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  3. Eeeek. That totally sucks, K.

    Sending you a shitload of positive healing vibes.xxxxx

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  4. @ Draft Queen - yes please, perhaps on your blog, where I can enjoy them? Thank you!

    @ Yummy - me too!

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  5. @ Brenda - ooh, thank you, love good vibes!

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  6. Yikes! Now my eye is twitching with empathy! (Eyes freak me out, have never even been able to put on eye-liner, and couldn't ever consider putting in contacts...ewwwwww!)

    Hope it's nothing serious! *HUGS*!

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  7. It's hard to make fun of you. I'll just start stock piling chocolates.

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  8. @ Jean - I won't stop you from chocolate gathering.

    @ Kelly - thanks hon, but I have a feeling it will be nothing.

    @ But Jean - that doesn't mean you should stop with the chocolates.

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  9. Hmm. I'm not going to joke about this one, sweetness.

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  10. Totally stress related. Contact Qantas asking for return first class tickets to Sydney and we will all take you to a day spa..... but for a week. Mr Woog will mind your kids. xoxoxo

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  11. So I take it that one of the symptoms of MD is Grade A Douchebaggery?!?
    Nope, you don't have it.

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  12. @ Woog - Ooh, BEST answer yet!! See @ Lori, you can so totally joke about this and make it work.

    But wait, why a return ticket?

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  13. 1. bravo to you for being a kind person. we all need a little more understanding in this world. even if we happen to be glenn beck.

    2. hope things turn out for the best for you!

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  14. Um yeah, you're not allowed to go blind. NOT allowed, by my say so. Okay?

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  15. @ Ericka - maybe you didn't read my post?? :-)

    @ Veronica - Okay, but only if you stop going all bendy, k?

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  16. Hope it's "only" stress, but go see the specialist!
    I'm legally blind, I have Optical Nerve Atrophy but I still joke about it, cos it's spitting in the Devil's eye ;)

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  17. @ Ro, Wow really! I had no idea. So how do you read my blog? Or blog at all? I suppose there are all sorts of technologies to help with that. Well, on the off-chance I follow in Glenn's footsteps my final moments of visual acuity will be used to Facebook you and say: HELP!

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  18. I dont' know who Glen Becks is and i still laughed at this point. Not at the thought of going blind of course.(my father went blind and deaf in old age and i have enough empathy to sink a battleship.) I do love the way you write.
    I'm sure you will be fine *wafts good karma your way*

    http://marketingtomilk.wordpress.com

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  19. @ Katie - how did you sneak in a comment way up there?! And a ha ha one to boot! Thanks for the cheery diagnosis.

    @ M to M - Firstly, count yourself lucky (that you don't know him). Second, thanks lovely (intercepting karma waves)!

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  20. No joke - please go to the specialist ASAP!

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  21. Make tasteless jokes at your expense? I can't see the point. Geddit? Sorry. Best I could do. My granddad developed macular degeneration late in his life - vitimins and surgery would have helped but he was simply too old. You don't have that problem to hold you back. He was also told that eating really green vegetables help prevent it - spinach and broccoli, etc. I'm sure your doc will give you great advice. Keeping my fingers crossed for you (which is seriously contributing to my carpal tunnel issues).

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  22. No idea who Glenn Beck is. But worried about your eyesight! I live in fear of this myself as I have woeful vision and my dad had a detached retina in his '50s that nearly cost him his sight on the spot. Mate, not good!!!!

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  23. I don't know who GB is either. But I'm intrigued about this swelling - from an energetic POV. You know where to find me if you'd like me to dig out whatever I have on the eyes (left eye deals with the past, just out of interest). Good luck, I hope/bet it is NUFFINK to worry about! xxox But still, very troubling til you know, I understand.

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  24. Now listen, you honourary almost Aussie, jokes are fine, but get your A into G and see the specialist. Hells bells, you're as bad as The GOFA! Sometimes there are means of preventing or managing these potential health issues. now go, OK? (*Watershedd, waving finger and looking all motherly*)

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  25. My mother and my priest told me I would go blind. I think that's also Glenn's problem.

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  26. *hugs* I hope it's not too serious sweety xxx

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  27. @ maternal types - have an appt for next Friday.

    @ Kirrily - will EM you!

    @ Steve - I think macular degenernation is something different. Honestly, confused by it all.

    @ Badger - one of his (many) problems perhaps...

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  28. Oh, I have lots and lots of chocolate I can send your way. Loads of evil fundraising chocolate that would love an overseas trip ...

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  29. Great vats of chocolate waiting for an address. Chin up. Love you :-)

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  30. ZOMG... addy on it's way!! Love you sexy mama xx

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  31. Can you read this then? Now try with the other eye? –

    Sorry – couldn’t resist it! It’s been caught early – that’s good :-)

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