Thursday, August 5, 2010

Battle weary

I have been laying low. I know I haven't been around to your blogs lately. I'm sorry. I haven't even gotten to the links in the Blog Carnival, which I now coordinate. Life has been weighing heavy on me. But you've been so kind, checking in, warming me with your comments. I appreciate your thoughtfullness.

I feel as if I've been in a race for a very, very long time, pacing myself and holding my reserves for the distance. And here I was finally in the home stretch and starting to feel that lift of elation, knowing that just around the corner was the finishing line, but when I turned the corner I was met instead with another large hurdle. And I'm not sure I can muster the strength to meet this hurdle. I'm bone-weary and just so ready to be done.

But of course someone would throw a spanner in the works. Fool I was to think otherwise.

What do you do when caught up in a game, the rules of which you don't wish to play by or for that matter even understand? A crazy-making game where truth is slipped beneath a shell and scuttled about between others. Did you see where it landed? Or did you look away and miss it? Come over here little lady says the man patting his pockets. He leans in conspiratorially. I'll show you were truth is.

I don't want to play this game anymore. I don't want to play any games. I want to take my children out of this chaos and make a home for us.  I don't want to sleep another night in this silent battleground.

Tonight I lay down with Anna as she didn't want me to leave after I tucked her in. Stay with me Momma she asked and it was so quiet and simple a request that I did. She placed a blanket over both of us,cuddled up close to me then put her head down and closed her eyes. I watched her sleep and noticed she was sucking her thumb. She's never sucked her thumb before, ever, even when she was a baby. I stroked her cheeks and brushed the hair back out of her eyes. Of course I would keep going. Just look at her. We've been on this path for so long now, a year almost. I've stayed strong through all of it. So why now, when we're so close to the end, do I suddenly feel like I'm going to break? 


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47 comments:

  1. Hope everything "comes together" so to speak. Gawd I hate cliches badly but that is all I have for you today. Stay strong xxx

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  2. "It's always darkest before the dawn"

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  3. "So why now, when we're so close to the end, do I suddenly feel like I'm going to break?"

    (i asked myself the same question 9 months ago...)


    there was a time when i thought
    my sacrifice was the way
    to keep them sheltered from the pain
    to protect their innocence day by day

    it wasn't till one day she looked at me
    with pity, disgust & fear
    it was in that second that i knew
    there could be no point in staying here

    for what they need is not a martyr
    taking another bullet from the same gun
    they need a lesson in admitting the truth, moving on & surviving
    50% is better than none


    xoxo

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  4. Because it is when the pressure is off that we do. You know things are nearly finalised, and so you have loosened the reins that little bit. Which is why things are precarious for you.

    I am the Queen of crises, but fall apart spectacularly when it is over.

    You have my contact should you need me, even just to rant. xx

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  5. You won't break. You are a strong and courageous person. You have two beautiful little people to keep you going. You'll always find peace with them.

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  6. Why? Because you have held up for so very, very long and you can see the end. You are a marvel xxxx

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  7. It's the toll taken on our children that wear us to the point of breaking. *hugs* Stay strong, darling. I love you, and I'm in your corner for the support you may need.

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  8. All I have is hugs for you, sweet girl.
    I understand the go until you can't anymore thing, although mine is different.
    I also get that you are tired of playing the game, again different games of course.

    Hope that you find your get out of jail free pass soon.

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  9. Oh geez. I'm so sorry hon. You know don't you, that your readers would leap right in and kick the obstacles away if we could?
    Hoping with all my heart that things get better soon. X

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  10. Oh dear... I completely understand what you say.
    It's very sad to go through this battle, but there's no other way! Be strong!!! It will be painful and maybe long, but you are the only one who can do it for your children.
    Breath deeply and hang in there!
    Take care.

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  11. It's a cliche but true - it's always darkest before the dawn. Keep going. You are nearly there - this is one of life's tests to see how badly you want it.

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  12. keep cuddling - just keep cuddling

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  13. I have no words of wisdom. Only hugs. xx

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  14. (((hugs))) thinking of you and waving some eucalyptus leaves at your blog to bring you some peaceful vibes xxx

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  15. Take a deep breath, straighten your shoulders and just keep on going.Sometimes day by day is a bit much and moment by moment is easier to deal with. xxx As Dory said, "just keep swimming just keep swimming"

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  16. As Mother Theresa once said "god trusts us all completely, he never gives us anything that we can't handle, i just wish he didn't trust me so much" (or something to that effect) - you will handle anything that is put in front of you -- trust in yourself --- we all do --- xxx

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  17. Call me sentimenal, but I wrote this for you after reading this post. It may seem dark now, but there's a brighter day not too far away. Hang in there. X

    **Darkest 'fore the Dawn**

    Now, the time so close, so near
    Now in reach of peace
    When dawn should shine its yellow light
    Why dost God veil your sight?
    In darkest night the cares and woes
    Of days less charmed and bright
    He blunts the edges, cruel and sharp
    To lighten coming loads;
    In darkest night he toils for thee
    To clean the slate anew
    And give your darling hearts and you
    A fresher, greener view.
    The work is always hardest then
    When nearer to complete
    So trust that tiring as it be
    He’s building what you need.

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  18. I hope you can take strength and solace from all the support you have here. It's real and true. You're almost there, you're doing the right thing.

    Hugs xxx

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  19. OK, stay with me, I reckon it might be like when you know you have to wee, but simply hold. And then when you actually sight the toilet, suddenly you nearly pee your pants. I reckon that's a metaphor for what's going on right now. Hold it baby, the golden toilet is but short distance away xxx

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  20. I did not reply all day as I needed calm. Now that I know that is never going to happen, I can only offer you this.

    You are a warrior mum (mom) of the highest rankings and you will not be defeated. You will keep going until the finishing line. Coz it is what us warrior mums do.

    Chin up

    Much love

    Mrs Woog

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  21. It's not until you reach the end that you can allow yourself to break.

    Thinking of you and your silent battlefield. My heart hurts for you.

    xx

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  22. Just to reiterate - "always darkest before dawn"


    Promise xoxoxoxo

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  23. *hugs* sweety, if I can do it you definitely can. You're a strong, passionate, wonderful person. Don't you dare let anyone else make you think otherwise. All my love. xxx

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  24. There is light at the end of the tunnel...just keep reaching for it! Hugs.

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  25. Hang on in there, darling. I know you will, because there is no other option here. Not much longer, and it will be finished, and you can all start to heal...

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  26. My heart bleeds for you. I cannot imagine the pain and frustration. But, you've come this far and of course, you'll make it. But, I know this kind of suffering seems eternal. It's not and deep within, you know that.

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  27. Thank you my friends. You are so kind. I'm buoyed by your words. xoxo

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  28. I have no wise words. I can only wish you courage.

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  29. Know what your going through, stay strong, because you deserve the very best that life has to offer, stand tall, YOU ARE WOMAN....

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  30. I can only offer you my thoughts, prayers and wishes... hang in there...

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  31. *HUGS*
    Keep holding on to the vision of your brighter future. Thinking of you.

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  32. The body fights on until it knows the end is coming, then it starts to succumb to the exhaustion. You will need to take care of yourself over the next few months, more so than ever.

    M2M x

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  33. I'm very sorry you are going through a difficult time...I wish I could take some of the hardship for you.

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  34. Deep breaths, girl. And lots of hugs from your sweet kids.

    You will get through this. You will.

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  35. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

    This too shall pass.

    You can make it.

    You'll get through this.

    Enough words of encouragement?

    I went through a very bitter divorce many, many years ago. My son was 2 1/2 and I just gave birth to my daughter. I didn't know if my son needed open heart surgery or not. It was a really, really rough time in my life, and my husband decided to go off with another woman. I got through it, with the help of family. I lived on my own, but my family gave me moral support.

    Stay strong for your kids. They are what matters. I wish you well.

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  36. You'll be ok. It will be hard, but you'll be ok.

    Hugs
    xxx

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  37. You start to let go of the strong hold you have on yourself when you get this close. You let yourself believe you're almost there and THEN your body starts to feel it all- like shock victims in a horrible accident. At first they don't realize the extent of their injuries, it's all about just surviving. When they can see they will make it, then the physical pain hits like a truck.

    Sweetie, you've been hit by a truck.

    This will end. You will come through. Find a quiet place after the kids have gone to bed and really let yourself let go. Cry in the shower if you have to, just let yourself process the pain so you can move on.

    While you do that, I guess I should as well. Not pertaining to my divorce, but other things I've been avoiding.

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  38. Love your kind words. Thank you. xx

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  39. Lots of positive vibes are coming your way. Breathe in, breath out, repeat. Everything in this life comes to pass. How wonderful that there is so much love here while life is happening. Peace to you, Katherine

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  40. You may be close to an end but the more important part is...you're close to a new beginning.

    Praying...

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  41. Sending you big hugs, I hope things are improving. Hang in there. Mich x

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  42. Hang on darling, you WILL make it through this. xoxo

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  43. Hi Kristin, I'm presuming this is in reference to your divorce and I can't imagine how difficult that must be, but my good friend writes a regular column for a paper here and has been sharing the rigours of her divorce with readers. I find it emotional, powerful and inspiring. She's great stuff. You ought to give her a read....
    http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/lifestyle/lifematters/blogs/dirty-laundry/hell-has-arrived/20101024-16yzd.html

    warmest regards
    peta

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