Monday, August 30, 2010

Fear

Fear is a funny thing. Some days, you think you have it mastered. After all, you've talked about these things with your friends and your lawyer and various advocates. Talked about them until they've achieved a sense of order in your mind. You know the things that are in your control and the things that are not. And you try to be philosophical about the latter. You begin to relax. You begin to plan.

But of course there is always something to throw you off balance – a phone call, a cautionary email from a friend that starts out, “I don't mean to alarm you but...”

And everything is blown to shit again.

But what can you do, really? You go about the business of your day--the money-earning, the care-taking--and all that is well and good as it serves as a distraction, though all the while there is that undercurrent that keeps you from really focusing on the task at hand. At some point you look up and realize it's closing in on 4:00 pm and you haven't eaten, it hasn't even occurred to you to eat.

It's starting to cool off now in the evenings and you should probably take the kids outside to play but you don't. Walking up to the track at the nearby school is out of the question. So you spend another evening indoors turning a shoe box into a makeshift castle and cutting miniature people out of scraps of newspaper.

After the kids are tucked in their beds you retire to your own room to read, interrupted when your daughter comes in for another hug, which is sweet because you can't focus on your book anyway because you're too busy wondering how your life came to this. I mean seriously, how the fuck did this happen? Then you get up and check the locks again, take a Unisom and go back to bed.


* * * * * *


Fear is insidious. You don't see it coming.
It sneaks in the back while you are standing guard out front.

It suggests to you that perhaps you should have thought things through more clearly
A long time ago
That you trusted unwisely, too freely

Fear lies down with you at night and sighs against the back of your neck
It wakes you at 1:15, 2:38 and 4:00. Just because.

For some fear is an illusionist that distorts reality and conjures demons where there are none
But for others, fear unveils the hard truths that remained unseen for too long.



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49 comments:

  1. We must be on the same vibe today as I posted about fear too - nothing as insightful as your post though.I really needed to hear your thoughts-especially the bit about not thinking things through and lettng it distort reality! I think I've let it take over a little bit!

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  2. How brave you are. Really brave. You have recognised and faced it, not beaten it, but faced it. Tell it to go and FUCK OFF. No one should make you scared. xoxoxo

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  3. Thanks Woog. I wish it were that simple. xx

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  4. Hi wanderlust, I know that there is good reason I havent seen your round much. Anyways once you work out how in the fuck you ended up where you are, accept it, and work out how you are moving on, you will find a great opportunity.

    I can 'hear' your strength coming out in your post. xxx

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  5. It (fear as you have described) sucks. I'm sorry.

    It will not break you. You are too strong for that. So keep planning and think of the fear as a bump in the road. But it's not a complete roadblock.

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  6. Fear can go jump because you, my dear girl are hitting back and facing it head on. Well done to you, many of us can learn from the courageous example you are setting x

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  7. It's a high price to pay for decisions made a long time ago, my friend. Bad stuff happens to good people, it's true. Don't let it eat you alive.

    I can't believe it because, like Andrea, I also posted on fear today. But my post looks sloppy and childish now.

    x

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  8. Hi Kristin, I hope you are feeling better. I posted on Self Worth today, but as you know, I'm writing 365 lessons on my blog, so Let Go of Fear was Lesson 26. I think I hit the big lessons in the beginning. I went back and read it. I think it might be helpful to you, so I'm adding it here. May calm,peace and happiness be yours tonight and all the days to come:

    http://lessonsfromthemonkimarried.blogspot.com/2010/01/365-lessons-lesson-26-let-go-of-fear.html

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  9. Fear does do both those things. Distort reality and unveil the truth. I am lucky enough only to have xperienced the former.
    Beautifully written. I am sorry you feel like a prisoner in your own home.

    x

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  10. Yeah - and it can make you sick.
    It wreaks havoc on your body.
    Don't take it lightly.
    Did I tell you about vitamin B shots?
    They help.

    I like your new banner.
    It's beautiful.

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  11. I guess to give advice I'd need to know what the trigger was.

    But what I can offer is the use of a kick-arse 4WD to renovate any bodies... Think I may be repeating myself here though. xx

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  12. I'm like that with broccoli.

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  13. Fear: can't live with it but, more importantly, can't live without it. I think fear can be a useful motivator - but only if you don't allow it to live constantly in your mind. Dwelling on things when you can do little about them at the time is the biggest demotivator there is. Difficult, I know, at 4am.

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  14. What can I say? Once you have felt this kind of fear, it will be with you forever. You are are wise enough to recognize it and to talk about it.
    You will learn to live with it and it won't be directing your live anymore one day.
    It's not only bad. My fear keeps me from making mistakes. I hope you will not be gripped by that fear for too long, and you can keep it out of your childrens' souls but I recommend you to never forget it either.

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  15. Feel the fear but act in spite of it. Fear is a bastard that is present for all. The less attention you can give it the better - have you tried battling the fearful thoughts with a one-line affirmation of some sort?? Sometimes if something is really scaring me / bothering me I will think of a line of what I do want to happen, or how I do want to feel about myself (even if I don't yet, fake it til you make it kinda deal) and replace my fearful thought with that line, over and over and over again until it drowns out the fearful one.... you can overpower the scared thoughts with practice. They are only thoughts. They are YOUR thoughts so YOU can change them. I know that is a hell of a lot easier said than done - I hope for your sake you can give yourself some respite and trust you will be looked after.
    Wonderful post and lots of positivity your way xx

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  16. Fear like that paralyses me. I understand not wanting to venture far. In a little time, you'll decide not to let it rule you. Fear (and the one(s) who generated it) only win when its impacts surpass the immediate event and contaminate your future. Like everyone else, I know you have the strength to carry both you and your children beyond it's clutches. X

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  17. No words hun, but hugs all the way from Australia if you want them :)

    I wonder if you can send hugs in a postpak?

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  18. 99.9% of the things we fear does not come true!
    But it is not that easy to ignore it...
    Sorry to hear about it!
    Sending you some blessings!

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  19. Much much love over here, honey.xxx

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  20. :( Never that easy. Loves for you xoxox

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  21. So, when are you moving house?

    xxx

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  22. A shoebox craft is just as much fun as the park. Kids just want to be with you.

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  23. I can only imagin what your are experiencing. May you have the strength and will to get through it whole and with your sweet children by your side.

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  24. I'll have to remember the castle out of a shoe box. It's still to hot here so she stays in doors...or at the mall sometimes.
    I will be praying for a good nights rest for you in my own way...it's so very important for you. Don't know how much good I'll do...but I'll try anyway.

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  25. Move to Scotland! There's a lovely lil house right next to mine, our kiddies could play together. ;)
    Lots of love sweey. xxx

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  26. The flip-side/upside of fear is faith. I'm not even going to pretend to know what it's like to fear for one's own personal safety. I can imagine, though, that it must be leeching your energy even more than you can recognise. You are a wonder and (though it may sound trite to say) oh so very strong, it is quite evident in your writing.

    I'm interested that several have posted about fear today. There must be something in it.

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  27. This is just beautifully written! It sent chills down my spine and made me want to wrap my arms around you and your kids to somehow take you away and keep you safe.... if only it was that simple.

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  28. Kristin, I can feel your fear through your writing. I am sad that this fear is so huge and is so tangible at the moment. I wish there was mroe we could do. xx

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  29. Fear has to be the worse thing anyone can suffer, often it can be worse than what we're actually fearing. When you're feeling the fear, also feel the arms of all your cyber friends around you. We are here.

    I hope things are better very, very soon x

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  30. I feel what you're going through...trying to resolve the problem then you are thrown off kilter again. There's no point pretending this is going to be easy but we're all thinking of you xx

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  31. More ((hugs))
    Here's hoping the fear turns to fierce soon :)

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  32. It sucks. Just plain sucks, and it isn't fair. I hope it subsides soon xoxo

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  33. What an incredible post. And what incredible spirit you have. One foot in front of the other, check the locks, keep moving forward. An important post.

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  34. Hiya,

    New follower here. Saw your button on Flog Yo Blog Friday Hop. So I came by for a visit. I love what I see. Looks like fun around here.

    Marie
    The Things We Find Inside

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  35. I hope that the writing of it reduces it at least a little. Stay strong and collapse when you need to do that too.

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  36. Listen, girlie, you look that fear right in the eye and tell it to "F**K Off!" Then you raise your fist and stick up one finger and say, "See my finger", then put it down, stick up your thumb, "See my thumb", put it down make a fist, "See my fist, YOU'D BETTER RUN!"

    ATTITUDE IS HALF THE BATTLE!!

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  37. And again, so beautifully written. I hope the fear can eventually subside. If the fear gets bigger and your instincts are tickling you, do what you need to do for you and your children to keep things safe and protected. Trust your gut.

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  38. I haven't been here for a while. I'm sorry. I guess we're both off dealing with our dramas rather than blogging, yes?

    Sigh. I wish I could come kick the appropriate asses for you. I wish it was just that simple.

    I know it isn't. I'll be praying.

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  39. I wish that I had some comforting words for you! I'm thinking of you!

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  40. Wow, can you write Kristen! Have no fear about that one at least.
    Hugs to you
    x

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  41. I've given you an award at my site - come check it out - will be up in a few minutes!

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  42. being me said it right. fearing for your personal safety is a kind of fear that's not easily cast off. no way past that storm but through it. it's also the sort of fear you don't show your youngins either, which means the release is harder. glad you're exposing it here. at some point you will stop being fearful of him, whether it's a year, three years or next month. and i know it's not as simple as when you choose to either. you're writing from within the storm now, with your eyes wide open. great writing, insights.

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  43. Wishing you safety, strength and love xxx

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