Friday, September 17, 2010

Silenced

When I was in my 20's I wrote quite a bit. I studied writing in college. It was like a drug. I would start writing in the early evenings and stories would pour out of me and I would stop writing in the wee hours. I would go to bed but the stories wouldn't stop, they would keep coming and coming and I couldn't sleep and I loved every moment of it. Writing made me feel alive and when I wrote I knew who I was and I knew the very center of my truth.

When I was in my 30's I stopped writing. Why? I'm not sure why. There are probably a dozen reasons why. Or maybe just a few. Or perhaps just one.

A year ago, I started writing again and it was brilliantly freeing and joyous and soul-quenching. I started my blog and connected with people all over the world. Some of those connections blossomed into strong friendship.

I wrote about feeling lost, about my love for Australia, my children, and sometimes just plain silliness. I wrote straight through the collapse of my marriage and just as I was walking out the door and into a new life full of promise I was slammed with a series of events, unfathomable events, that plunged me into a world of chaos and pain beyond anything I have ever experienced.

And I can't write about it.

It's not that I can't find the words. I just can't write about it now.

I miss writing so much. I miss all of you so much. I don't know how to write about small things when I can't talk about the monumental things that are dominating my life and flattening my spirit.

After finding my voice again after so many years, the silence is painful.  I long for the day I can speak freely and openly.

In the meantime, I'm grateful for the kindness of friends who are lending an ear in confidence and otherwise helping restore order to a shattered world.










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56 comments:

  1. I have been thinking of you! *HUGS*!

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  2. Even writing about silence can be very eloquent.
    When you already find it hard to have a clear thought about what's happening in your life, it's difficult to reflect on any subject in public.
    My advice is to write down some of your thoughts, your confusion and your pain down just for yourself anyway. It can be helpful when you feel ready to talk to others again.
    I am glad for you that you are not alone.
    not alone, not really silenced.
    thinking of you.x

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  3. I was just thinking of you and up popped a post.
    One foot in front of the other.
    And when you are ready, we will be here.

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  4. When you're ready, we're ready.
    Thinking of you often.
    Xx

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  5. Even when you write about not being able to write it's wonderful. I will be keeping up with you and your blog no matter what. Sending best wishes your way!

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  6. Thanks, you all are lovely. Even writing about not writing feels cathartic. xx

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  7. I'm thinking of you often. I hope you are okay. hugs to you.

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  8. I don't know you well at all, but your strength shows through your words. Write when you can.

    I do agree with the comment that encourages you to write for yourself. There's lots of healing within you, and when you journal you see your truth.

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  9. You'd never know it's been bottling up. Pretty, pretty words to describe such an ugly experience. Miss you terribly. Glad to see pieces of you emerging :)

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  10. Always in my thoughts. I miss you too. x

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  11. I agree with the other girls...Write it just for you. Put it in word document or something so that you at least can get it all out...even if not in the public eye. I hope you are unsilenced soon.

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  12. I haven't turned a deaf ear. You will endure and be stronger for it.

    I'll wait patiently, head half-cocked like the RCA dog.

    Keep writing (for yourself) and when the time is right, let the avalanche of words burst forth.

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  13. Thank you, have been writing some, just not publishing. I so appreciate all the support.

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  14. I wish I could smooth out some of the pain and package you up a little bit of peace for your heart.

    I have been thinking of you.

    And I agree....maybe an anonymous space somewhere?

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  15. I agree with Veronica and Lucy. Why should you stopo doing something that brings you so much joy? I believe now more than ever you need it.
    Much Love
    Mrs Woog
    xox

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  16. (((hugs)))
    Waiting for you, whenever.
    Though...the anonymous blog idea would help you a heck of a lot xxx

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  17. hey - I hope that every day is one day closer to your equilibrium again. I love reading your posts. xxx

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  18. Thinking of you. Good to see you again.

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  19. Your voice is so missed. Thinking of you constantly.

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  20. Oh, I have missed you.

    Take your time coming back to us. We'll be here.

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  21. Hey lovely lady, it's so great to see a post here in your gorgeous blog space. Can thoroughly understand not feeling compelled to write about the small things when your monumental, spirit-flattening things loom large. There will come a time, a space and a way. We're all going to be here when that presents itself.

    Love to you as always xxxx BIG hug from afar.

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  22. Maybe there is a book needing to be written Kristen, you have a very powerful story and message that MUST be told.

    xoxo

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  23. Sometimes the big stuff needs time to gestate, for the words to form and find their way out to the light. It can't be rushed. It will all come out in its own time. But don't be afraid. You will write again like you used to.

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  24. You keep popping into my thoughts. I know why you can't be heard right now, but I hope that doesn't mean you're not writing it all down for another day, when things are less, well, shitful.

    Don't ever let anyone silence you again, your words are far too precious. xx

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  25. Write for you, for your children. You may still want to publish it later, but perhaps not. I wrote so much after I was betrayed. A letter that grew and grew over months. When the time came a while later, I no longer needed to keep that letter. It is gone, now, but it allowed me to express everything that I felt, drafted, added to, expanded upon as each new emotion or thought or realisation hit me. Very cathartic.

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  26. I send a lot of hugs!
    You will come back to writing, I'm sure.
    Take care!

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  27. I think now, more than ever, you need to write. Don't let anything stop you. Thinking of you x

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  28. Been thinking of you lots sweety. You could always write, and just send it as an email to some of us?
    You know where I am if you ever need to talk ok? *hugs* xx

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  29. Don't rush it and just let it flow however it needs to flow--publicly or privately--as long as it gets out to help heal. Keeping it in isn't good. You have lots of bloggy friend support so you know we are just a click away.

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  30. Write about it, clear the cerebral RAM, file it for later, you'll feel better for the exercise. Get on with life, don't become bogged down, life is too short.

    Miss your posts. I was so excited to see a new title pop up on my link.

    AV

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  31. A blindingly emotional post. you will find equilibrium and your writing/fighting spirit once more. Just keep strong my lovely.

    M2Mx

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  32. I am glad to see you have a guy with a drill. It is very important that every woman have a guy with a drill. My sister is beside herself without one.

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  33. I've missed you so! I completely understand your silence, however. I'll still be here when you are in a better place to share your words.

    Until then: HUGS!

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  34. I miss your words too! Hope you find it again!
    Best of wishes/luck/ prayers whatever you need for now!

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  35. I ache for you. Nothing worse than being adrift in a sea of misery, where the waves are getting rougher, higher, not abating, and the sand is sucking out from under your feet - there is no grip in this powerful heartless realm. You will see sky, you will be buoyant again. Hold tight to the unseen lifeline.

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  36. I wish I could do something to help, but all I can do is say your posts - especially this one are amazing. You are amazing and will get through this dark period some way or another xx

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  37. Writing down your feelings and what you are experiencing can be very cathartic. You don't have to share them with anyone....just release your emotions. We'll be here when you are ready. Take care and hang in there. I'm thinking about you.

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  38. We all have those things that hold us back as writers. Breathe deep. When the time is right, it'll happen.

    Be well, friend.

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  39. Have been thinking about you. We will all be here waiting for when you have the words and they are able to be written.
    x

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  40. Wow. You even turn writing into nothing...poetry. You really have a gift. I hope that life keeps moving forward for you and that your time will come where you no longer have to censor yourself :)

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  41. Massive squishy hugs over here, K.xxxx

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  42. Hope your private writing is cathartic enough to hold you over until you can let it all loose. :) Hope you are well.

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  43. Hey you're back! You will write again and I am happy to wait until you are ready. Take good care of yourself.

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  44. I haven't been a follower for very long, but just wanted to let you know that your beautiful writing reaches through and touches lives. Whatever you are going through right now will only serve to make you stronger and your followers will be here for when you are ready to let loose. Take care and be blessed.

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  45. I used to share an office with someone that was having a rough time. One day when she left I took a sheet of paper and printed, in large bold worlds:

    DO TO BUDGET CUTS THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL HAS BEEN TURNED OFF.

    And posted it on the wall in front of her desk.

    She laughed her ass off.

    Laughter helps. Find a reason to laugh today :)

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  46. All the best Kristin... Have been missing your posts but now i get it... take your time.. we are not going anywhere... xoxo

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  47. Missing you. Hopefully, you are still writing, and you can just keep it private. You may not publish it on your blog, but it still wants to come out sounds like...

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  48. I hope writing about the silence helped, a little bit xoxoxo

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  49. Now might be as good a time as any to start writing again...but if it's in Word, that's ok too, just don't stop doing something you know you love and that brings you enjoyment :) Hope we hear again from you soon!

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  50. I've been thinking of you too. I hope you are still writing it down somewhere. It really does help. One day you can share it with the people who care. For now I totally understand. xx

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  51. Good lord, hon. I hope you'll start hitting that keyboard again soon, because the blog world will be really missing out. Don't stop doing something you love. Ever. It's your life, and you only get one shot at this, so embrace it and do what feels right. xxx

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