If you read nothing else I ever post, read this

Two months ago a bomb exploded in the center of my life. Looking back on it, I knew something was wrong. I had been unhappy in my marriage for a long time. But I chose to listen to the voices all around me that were telling me everything was okay instead of listening to the voice inside me that was telling me something was very, very wrong.

Two months ago I was assaulted in my home by my husband. I was afraid to write about it on my own blog so instead I wrote about it on a friend’s. It was a terrifying experience both for me and the children. My husband was arrested, charged and released on bail. I have not seen him since.

Not long after he was out of the house he came under investigation for another, unrelated and more serious crime which shocked and gutted me.

I have written very little on my blog since then. I have written about feeling afraid, because I have lived in fear, often sleeping at friends’ houses or getting police escorts when I thought the situation had escalated and we might be in especial danger.

I have written about being silenced when I wanted to speak. And while I can’t talk about the criminal investigation at the moment (though I will talk openly about it once given the green light), I’ve begun to wonder who I was serving by remaining quiet about the rest of it. The domestic violence.

Domestic violence thrives in silence, after all. One in every four women will be a victim of domestic violence in her lifetime and most cases are never reported.

If you had told me six months ago I would be a victim of domestic violence, I wouldn’t have believed you. No one had ever hit me. I would never tolerate someone who badgered me, cut me down, belittled me. Those were all traits I associated with the abusive personality.

While those traits are indeed reflective of some abusers, they are certainly not true of all. I’ve had quite an education on the abusive personality in the last two months and what it comes down to is this: control. Someone who is abusive will figure out the best means of controlling another person, be it financially, through intimidation, guilt, blaming or use of children. They are master manipulators.

There is volumes of information available on the web about domestic violence and I won’t try to duplicate it here. If you or someone you know is in danger, I urge you to seek help immediately. If you are not sure how to get help for yourself or another, start with these links.

In the United States.

In Australia.

In the United Kingdom.

Sometimes it’s difficult to recognize an abusive relationship from the outside, just as it can be confusing to see it if you’re on the inside.

Ask yourself this. Are you afraid to leave your relationship, even if you can’t pinpoint exactly why you’re afraid? Perhaps everyone else (your family, your friends, even your marriage counselor) thinks he’s a great guy, but you’re afraid to leave.

Tick tick, tick tick…

That was me, right before I walked out the door, and that was the sound I heard in the background as I waited, ears pricked, senses heightened, because I knew, I knew, I knew something was going to blow.

For me, domestic violence was the tip of the iceberg. I’ve now been told I need to prepare for the worst. To batten down the hatches. To ready the house for sale. That when charges are filed this will hit the media and life could get rocky for me and the kids.  Understatement.

For the longest time I have been afraid to speak.  But I am tired of running and I am tired of sitting in silence.  And when so much has already been lost, the risk of speaking out takes on a slighter weight.

Now I stand here, the bomb has been detonated in the middle of my life and the landscape forever changed. My marriage is over. My children have effectively lost their father. Gone is the certainty of my own home, my financial security. I don’t yet know what I will be left with when the dust settles, but I imagine it will be this: my children, a circle of good friends and my writing. And I can live with that. Because in the end, what remains is what was aligned with my heart in the first place.

Whoever you are, wherever you are, please know this. You should never live in fear of speaking your truth. You should never be afraid to be yourself. If you don’t feel comfortable being 100% yourself in your relationship, please, please, think long and hard about why you are there.

Know that everything you do, your children are absorbing. If you are allowing your spirit to be crushed, you are teaching your children to live that way. If you are choosing to break free and let your spirit soar, you are teaching your children that as well.

Everyone deserves to be free. Everyone deserves to sleep peacefully at night. Everyone deserves to know the joy of open expression. Every woman. Every child. Every man.

Don’t settle for anything less.