Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Broken and whole

When I was young I dreamed I stood on the backs of wild horses that ran through an untamed country of my very own creation. No obstacles in my path, just my future spread before me, an assumed celestial bounty. After all, are we all not gods incarnate?

In my youth I believed that to be whole meant never to be broken.

Love was mine to claim, it waited just beyond the bend, or maybe just a little further. And the days rolled into years but I’m not one to push the river, I have patience in spades, or perhaps I’m not that patient. No, apparently I’m not.

But in my lover’s mind I believed that to be whole I had to find another half.

We built a life together, a makeshift clapboard tower of a life, built it up and up and up without ever looking back. Well occasionally I glanced at the things I’d left behind, then got back about the building. Until one day I didn’t. One day I turned to go, and he just shook his head no.

But before I could protest my deliverance was offered, I felt the floor beneath me give, in fact the tower was collapsing, buckling, tumbling down around me, I was falling to the ground.

When I was young I dreamed that all the riches of the heart…well, I dreamed the most amazing things. Sometimes I catch their scent, I breathe deep and try to hold it in my lungs. Where have they gone, my dreams?

Eventually I gathered up the broken pieces of myself and headed down an empty road, except the road it was not empty. No the road was full of travelers, so many gentle travelers. Would you care to share a drink? I stopped to drink a cup of solace and then they filled my cup again from within the broken places in themselves.

They said, are we all not gods incarnate gifted with the power of creation, are we all not broken spirits searching, feeling our way home, treading on an unknown path towards our half-remembered dreams? Come and share a cup of friendship, come and share a cup of laughter. We are unrepentant dreamers, we are life’s discarded saints, shining fallen gods incarnate, we once stood on the backs of wild horses! Come and sit a spell beside us, come and have another drink.

I was overcome with sleep, I closed my eyes and it was then that I saw clearly how they understood the simplest of equations. That when we’re broken open we can give ourselves away and give and give and in the giving we’re replenished, and one day we finally know the joy of what it feels like to be whole.


# # #

Nov. 25th is White Ribbon Day
A day dedicated to the elimination of violence against women
This is the fall that followed
These are just a few of the many, many people who helped soften my fall
There are so many more
Thank you for helping me to my feet
Thank you for walking with me

If you are living with violence or in fear of violence
Please, please reach out for help
You are surrounded by people who will walk the dark parts with you
Even if you do not know it
When you are ready to start your journey
They will appear

Godspeed xx



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41 comments:

  1. As ever I am deeply impressed and warmed by your poise, grace and elegance. Good for you. It's an honour to be here and read your words.

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  2. "I stopped to drink a cup of solace and then they filled my cup again from within the broken places in themselves."

    what an amazing post...it is our story, so many of us...filling each-other with the love left over from the shattered remnants of our falls...

    thank you luv, xoxo

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  3. Thank you Steve, xo

    JTW, that's just it, it's all of our stories at some point in time. xo

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  4. Beautiful writing, Kristin. I hope you are whole again one day. I hope you recapture your childhood dreams.

    I too realised that my life looks nothing like my childhood dreams. Childhood nightmares maybe. I manage to put one foot in front of the other day by day, but I have no idea where I am going. My dreams seem out of reach. Love seems out of reach. I'm still broken and it is hard to see how I will ever mend....

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  5. Absolutely beautiful writing. We were all so innocent back then weren't we? I suppose it's just as well...
    *hugs* and love to you and the little ones. You are doing a WONDERFUL job at this thing we call life. xxx

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  6. YES! Give and give and give. Be the one to bear the lantern and shine the way for others who come after you. It has been at times the ONLY thing that helped keep my sanity together when I was going through my darkest "hour" (read: years), Although my reason for that dark time is world's away from yours, it is not dissimilar in its capacity to create new life.

    You are doing it! Here and now. A sublime piece of writing, one of the best I've read from you.

    By the way, just had to share... YOU are the reason I donate possessions regularly to local women's shelters, Kristin. I guess I always kind of had an inkling about "what goes on" in others' homes, but it wasn't until I truly considered what it must be like for women to flee with their lives, their child/ren and only the clothes on their backs to be housed somewhere that their ex-spouse cannot hunt them that I wanted to know I could, at the very least, help to clothe them and their children in that temporary refuge.

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  7. You're such a beautiful soul, Kristin, inside and out. I feel in my bones that life has an abundance of joy in store for you.

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  8. Thank you for keeping the word out there to STOP violence against women... I will wear a white ribbon on the 25th in solidarity for brave women like yourself... keep strong my bloggie friend!

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  9. @ Dorothy, {{{{ love }}}}

    @ Marylin, innocence is beautiful. Maturity is beautiful. We need to skype, our time difference sux. Lots of love xo

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  10. @ Kirrily, I love the way you look at life, you have such a beautiful perspective. I can't wait to meet you in person. You are like a kindred spirit. xx

    @ Toni, same same, coming to find you one day in WA xoxo

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  11. That is so beautifully written. It sounds like you are already a whole beautiful person and you don't need another half to make you complete. Your posts just blow me away and you are so very brave to be tackling such a very important topic.

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  12. So beautiful Kristin. Your beautiful spirit shines through your eloquent writing. Your writing is truly a gift to your readers. *HUGS*

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  13. You're writing brings a tear to my eye - such a poignant picture you paint, where you weave a beautiful tale of depair and hope. I wish you all the health and happiness in the world and congratulate you for your bravery and strength in sharing your story x

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  14. Beautiful writing Kristin, heartbeaking and inspiring all at the same time.

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  15. I wish no one had to live with DV, beautiful brave heart felt words.
    Your strength & tenacity is amazing Kristin.x

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  16. Stunning post!
    Friends and family are the most precious when reaching out for their help! I am forever grateful to those people who helped me, and who listened to all the bad stories!

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  17. There is so much joy in giving and seeing joy or knowing that you have eased someone else's pain. And we know that those who give, when they are in need, get back. It is what community is about. X

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  18. Kristin - I have only happened across your blog today in a roundabout way but oh my, how you have touched my soul with your words.

    Thank you for sharing your story, for opening the eyes of myself and many. My heart goes to you and your precious babies - may you only know happiness and sunshine from here on in.

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  19. You are one inspiration Kristin. I am sure that you must have eased other lives in your journey. I would have never thought of writing my story if it hadn't been for you. Keep Going. Happy Thanksgiving.

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  20. What a hard, but beautifully exhilarating path you have in front of you, It takes a very strong woman to rise from the ashes and make from it something great,and that you truly are. Prayers, Thoughts and Love x

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  21. @ Natacha - Thank you. It just occurred to me that I didn't wear a ribbon today! Coincides with our Thanksgiving so my focus was on turkey and pie.

    @ Ashleigh - Thank you for such beautiful words. xo

    @ IRL - And you are another beautiful spirit, my friend. xo

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  22. @ NappyDaze - I have much more hope than despair, though I'm not sure that always comes through in my writing. Thank you for your kind wishes. xx

    @ Tamsyn - xoxo

    @ Trish - I wish the same thing, very much. xx

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  23. @ Karen - thank you, and I'm so glad you had people around you to listen and offer help. As I said, I think we all do, even if we don't realize it. I had no idea. xx

    @ Watershedd - I think giving is quite possibly the greatest joy.

    @ Fi - Oh thank you, lovely Fi. I'm glad to have found you too. xo

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  24. @ Ratz - I'm so glad you shared your own story. Thank you for your kind words. xx

    @ Mummy's Brain - Oh, I agree exactly! Hard, but beautifully exhilarating! That's it exactly. xx

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  25. Such beautiful prose, you are a very talented woman Kristin!!

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  26. My gosh you can look at your life and then write about it so eloquently, amazingly...how do you do that? xx

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  27. Beautiful and hopeful. I saw on FB that you had a great Thanksgiving! Yay! Blessings to you.

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  28. Great writing Kristin, remember next time you're feeling down we are here for you still.

    Thanks for your kind comment on my blog too xx

    Karen

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  29. I wish I could express myself half as eloquently as you have here...

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  30. Ummm ... that is one of the best blog posts I have ever read in my life. You are amazing, and I can't wait to meet you. XOX

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  31. You are a great, strong woman, that you are. For you to be able to look at your life - what with all that transpired, and all that lay before you, and write so beautifully that it touches us at our very core without having gone through what you have - it's amazing. Not to mention sharing of yourself to help others in need! May you be blessed beyond all your imaginings and your dreams.

    Cy @ http://muminflipflops.com

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  32. As one who knows what it's like to feel broken, I am so glad you are on your way to becoming whole ...

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  33. oh my goodness. this is just beautiful. thank you.

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  34. You are an incredible writer, Kristin. Cannot wait to meet you.

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  35. Coming for the AMB carnival and you've got a new follower. Hopefully, your story will be inspiration for others on the same road.

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  36. i can't really decide on which but this quote by Kahlil Gibran seems appropriate enough :
    "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars"
    you certainly wear your scars with great dignity.
    it's very inspiring for me to read your blog.
    sorry to be so inconsistent.
    all my love x

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  37. Such a beautiful piece of writing Kristin. And not just that, so much heart.

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  38. your posts are so moving. But I also see the underlying strength in you, having been there myself. Love to you and I hope the new year is one filled with blessings.

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  39. So eloquently put. I'm glad to have met you on your path:)

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