Thursday, February 17, 2011

Shattered

For the last several days I have been with family and it has been an incredible relief. I have been wrapped in a cocoon of support and unconditional love, and I can relax completely because I feel safe.

For the last several days I have done nothing. I haven't worked or driven or cooked a meal. I haven't blogged or read a book and I've barely been online. I've watched a bit of TV and today ventured out to the movies (The King's Speech), but mostly I've done very little.

I don't want to watch or read anything that is violent or has anything to do with deceit or exploitation of children or adultery or anything the least bit dark. So I watch cartoons with my kids or fluff or nothing at all. I don't want to think or talk about anything that's happened in the last six months because I feel like a glass bowl with a hundred fine cracks and the least bit of pressure could shatter me.

Before I left, when I last met with my therapist, I was quite distraught. She looked at me with so much compassion and said this to me: "You're living in a crime scene. If someone had been murdered in that house, you would never have stayed. But there was so much trauma that happened there, and you live there every day and sleep in the same bed."

This didn't fully sink in until I got away from the house and could actually disconnect from all that dark energy. There had been so much trauma there. Not just the assault, but police searches and the kids or myself stumbling upon so many shocking and deeply disturbing things. I just couldn't absorb it all. Who was this man I had slept beside for nine years who carried so much violence in his soul?

For six months I didn't feel much of anything. I didn't feel grief or anger. I was just trying to get by and putting one foot in front of the other. Until one day I couldn't even do that. And it was then I realized how much all this violence had shattered me.

I am so grateful for the love and care of my family at this time. I am so grateful that in a matter of weeks I am leaving to go overseas. I want to thank my sponsors, GSK, and everyone else who donated and made this trip possible. It is such a gift. Right now I need to be somewhere that feels safe and is far, far away.

I know in the interim I will have to go home and face the house and all that goes with it. But I pray that someday soon I will be gone. I look at my children and they are so beautiful and innocent. They deserve to be in a safe place where they will be surrounded by love and support. And so do I.

No one should live in the midst of such violent energy. It's unhealthy and destructive. It's wrong, wrong wrong. I don't want it in my life anymore. Not now. Not ever.


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42 comments:

  1. Even thought i can't be there to offer a hug to you pls know i'm thinking of you, have just come out the other side of a similar hell, much love and hugs Lynne

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  2. It's just all wrong for your home to become a place you need to escape from.
    I hope this trip is everything (and more) that you want and need from it, chook.
    Love and hugs.

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  3. A home should always feel safe and comforting. I'm so sorry this isn't the case for you.

    BIG HUG when you get to Syd...ok? ;) xxx

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  4. So glad you are not only somewhere safe but also one more step nearer a new life. Hold to your resolve; it's a damn good one.

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  5. Kristin I've been meaning to comment on your last post and haven't got around to it, but I've been thinking of you a lot and wondering how things were.

    I can't imagine the nightmare you have lived, are living and even though I only know you through your blog it honestly hurts to read the pain that you are in.

    The fact that you've still be able to support others through their recent tragedies despite your own inner turmoil is just amazing, it's understandable that it has taken it's toll.

    I'm so glad that you have gone to your family and allowed them to care for & support you while you do some healing. That you're no longer trying to do it all on your own. You provide so much love and support to so many others, it is only right that you allow yourself to be offered the same.

    Sending much love and thoughts to you and so, so can't wait to meet you at AusBlogCon (even if meeting means just watching you speak because I'll be far too terrified to actually come up and say hello!)

    Keep healing, keep breathing and soak up all that unconditional love.

    You are so worthy x

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  6. Glad that you are away and safe! Best best wishes!
    Do not second-guess about why you were in that relationship! Most of us believe in the good in other people, and sometimes don't see the bad!

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  7. I'm glad you have people to look after you and wrap you up in cotton wool. Let your body and mind rest, recover and get ready for the next bit.

    After I sold the family home, I realised I could not even drive past the entrance to our street without flashbacks and/or tears.

    I just don't drive that way any more. Your therapist is right - it's a crime scene.

    See you soon!

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  8. This post gives me some post, that you are safe, and being looked after. What I said Kristin, no need to be strong for the moment, just heal from the bottom up.

    M2Mx

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  9. ok that meant to read "This post gives me some peace"

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  10. You lovely, lovely woman. Cannot even begin to think what you have been through, but something tells me you are on the path to recovery and a new life awaits you just around the corner.

    Be strong, I am cheering for you.

    LCM x

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  11. Thinking of you and hope this break and your upcoming trip will give you a sense of peace, calm and safety which will help you create the safe haven you are dreaming of for you and your kids xoxoxo

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  12. It's so hard to fathom what it must be like to endure living somewhere that holds such trauma and shock to your system. You're almost there. Mate, you are one resilient woman, is all I can really say. My love to you. x

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  13. Big big hugs, K. See you in very very soon.xxxx

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  14. Sending love and support to you. You are an amazing, strong woman. Looking forward to meeting you soon, much love, Bianca xx

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  15. You are an amazing woman and the depth of your emotion and ability to convey it so succinctly really move me. Your awareness means that you are moving in the right direction xx

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  16. Big hugs, hoping and praying that you and your children will be in a safe place soon.

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  17. I am so glad the big family hug is keeping you buoyant. Whatever it takes Wanderlust... you will find your way through this. x

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  18. Oh I can't even imagine what it must be like for you. Probably exhausting, down to your marrow.

    Waiting for you. With a huge hunk of Aussie love in my heart. You will be ok. You will. XOXOXOXOX

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  19. It's the worst kind of tragedy when your sanctuary becomes your prison. You will be set free soon enough, Kristin. Just keep on keeping on for now. x

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  20. So glad you got some support and refesh from family and time away from the negative energy. I hope the upcoming trip will also restore you and that it is the beginning of a new chapter and positive things.

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  21. is it actually your house ?
    obviously, don't do things out of impulse now, but
    maybe a new start in a new place would be what you should aim for..
    but trust me, that big far-away holiday to Oz will REALLY get you out of there and clear your head for what you really need to do. you know i do the psychic for you, anytime, for the good things.. ;)

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  22. I don't know how you've done it this long without breaking, quite honestly.

    I'm so glad you got away. I'm so very very glad you'll be getting even farther away soon (even though I'm jealous of your trip to Oz, SIGH).

    Praying for you. Virtual hugs, already on their way.

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  23. Oh, Kristin, I CANNOT wait to give you the biggest bear hug ... you're nearly there. Stay strong and focussed xx

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  24. What strength and courage you have to act in the face of all that you have suffered and experienced already. I wish you peace through the process of getting there.

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  25. So glad you've found a cocoon of safety and can relax! When you go back to your hourse to pack, take someone with you...family or a friend.

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  26. I still have "Civility holds its tongue" open in my browser but still lack the words to comment the way I feel. I have been thinking about you and hoping you are well.

    "This didn't fully sink in until I got away from the house and could actually disconnect from all that dark energy. There had been so much trauma there ... Who was this man ... who carried so much violence in his soul?"

    This, times a hundred. It resonated so deeply. A different relationship, but similar wounds left in its wake. Hang on, my friend - I can't wait for you to get to Sydney and breathe easier.

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  27. Your therapist makes perfect sense. I'm glad you are away from that house and that you and the kids are safe.

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  28. Sending healing thoughts in your direction. So glad that you are safe, surrounded by those who love and care for you.

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  29. Sending positive energy and thoughts to you for when you have to venture back. Hopefully it will all be behind you soon. You are one strong woman, I would have broken right at the start. xxx

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  30. Seems a lot of people need peace in their lives just now and you are one. Think of you frequently. Will drop you aline when I return from a weekend away. X

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  31. You are right Kristin. A place such as that has a dark energy that never lets us make better sense of our lives till we live in there. It is compelling and unforgiving for the most part and suddenly makes everything seem like a challenge... the smallest darnest thing...

    Stay put and enjoy this new found void where you can shift back to your normal self. Hugs to you. Take care.

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  32. Not long to go and then you will be at my house! We cannot wait to have you darling xo

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  33. Kristin - I know the light seems impossible to see right now amidst all of the darkness, but it still glows bright inside of you.
    -Anne Marie

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  34. Home should be the sanctuary where we retreat to, and I am sorry you do not have that, when I got a protection order for months my daughter would not go in the main bedroom, so we prayed and blessed the room, and removed everything that reminded us of him, and that really helped. I am so sorry for what you are going through but keep your journey towards the light one step at a time, enjoy the rest.

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  35. I'm so gald you have your family to go to for comfort and safety. You most certainly do NOT NEED violence and destruction in your home or your life.
    Looking forward to seeing you in Aus.

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  36. Sweetie, I am so glad you are being enveloped into a coccoon of love for now. And it's so close to when you come to Oz, where you will have so much support that I hope it doesn't become overwhelming.
    I so feel for you, and hope you can deal with the house at some stage, but agree, you probably don't need to be there with the memories.
    I feel your pain. This is exactly why I have been single for a very long time, and intend to for perhaps forever.
    Damaged? Maybe. But it is the only way I can keep myself and my kids safe.

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  37. Dear God! oh honey. huge hugs.

    xx

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  38. I hope you have a wonderful trip in Australia...xxx

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  39. I am so glad that you have spoken out and that the people who love you are taking care of you. You deserve the peace and you deserve to feel safe. It takes time, but it does come. Stay strong beautiful xx

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  40. Oh my. I sure hope that you can start a new chapter in your life soon. I won't meet you this year at the ABC, but I really would like to next time. Because there's going to be a next time... right? Enjoy just being, and I hope that you give yourself enough space to get some energy from within to go to the next step. Thinking of you. xx

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  41. Just found you on Dafeenah's blog and poked around a lot of your posts. I went through two yrs of therapy for ptsd, then after visiting my mom's house this year, some of the symptoms came back. It is a lifelong struggle of healing. I am glad you are writing about it and hope you reach a place of feeling safe. http://domesticabusesuppport.blogspot.com

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