Friday, June 10, 2011

Opposite day in Kansas

Did you read Mrs Woog's post on opposite day earlier this week? Of course you did. Everyone who's anyone reads Woogsworld. She leads a pretty cool life, doesn't she? Yes, but not quite as cool as opposite day here in Kansas.


In the morning I sip coffee in bed as the kids ready themselves for school, picking out their own weather-appropriate outfits and never forgetting clean underwear. We enjoy a nutritious breakfast that includes fruit flavoring.

I open the newspaper to learn that the state has gone blue in the last elections, the forecast includes no severe weather warnings and Qantas has slashed their fares by 75%.

Anna is dropped off for school at a time that does not require her to practice the 100-yard dash to make it to her class before the bell rings and Daniel has no chocolate around his mouth. Because he doesn't eat chocolate cereal for breakfast. He eats fruit.

Having the day off from work and an unusually large balance in my checking account, I decide to shop for some outfits for my upcoming book tour of London/Vienna/Rome/Singapore/Perth/Sydney. Seeing as I no longer fit into anything in my closet, svelte thing that I am. Besides, I have all the time in the world, secure in the knowledge that the house is spotless, the dishwasher empty and the laundry folded and put neatly away. As always.

After cramming all the new packages into my trunk, I have time for a quick 1.5 hour massage before heading off to pick up the kids from school. On the drive home traffic is light as I weave my way among the small, fuel-efficient cars whose friendly drivers not on cell phones pull to the side with a wave to let me pass.

The kids are quiet and polite on the drive home. Anna doesn't make any condescending remarks to her brother about his pronunciation of the word 'onion' and in return, he does not take his shoe off and throw it at her. When I ask them what they learned in school that day they answer in unison, “Why, the basics of evolution, of course.”

I drop the kids off at a friends' house for their weekend-long sleepover, kiss them goodbye, go home, pop open a vintage bottle of red and have mind-blowing sex with someone other than myself.

That is all.

* * * * *

By the way, today is the day that all the private emails between Woog and I are going to be released to the public. The fact that it has taken three years for us to get around to releasing them should not arouse suspicion. Neither should the fact that I have only known her just over a year. Instead of releasing them electronically, we've decided to distribute cuneiform tablets to six different media sources, as determined by the Magic 8 Ball.

We will be in Bali when the headlines start appearing.



  1. hehehe that whole post gave me a giggle
    Cant wait for those emails ither ;)

  2. Had just literally opened the Huff Post article on the Palin emails. Off to read now.

    Of course, had to come here first. :D

  3. Aaaaah - I wake each morning praying that it's going to be opposite day. No luck yet.

  4. oh god. I wish I lived in opposite world.

  5. Your book tour sounds wonderful...! ;-) I also have a shoe-throwing son.

  6. HAHA! Love this. Going to read Mrs Woogs one now too. Needed a laugh desperately this morning too : ) xx

  7. Now I REALLY wanna read those emails!!!
    If opposite day came true we would spend the entire day looking over our shoulders, scanning for the hidden camera or waiting for everything to collapse around us.
    I thoroughly enjoyed yours!

  8. that is EXACTLY what I did yesterday

  9. Opposite today for me: were the amount in my bank account to be inverted I would never have to work again.

  10. Definitely want to read those emails!

  11. Opposite day .... if only. I found you through Penny's blog so thank you Penny!

  12. Nice dream you've got going there, Kristin.
    I don't like those magic 8 balls, they never give me the answer I want.

  13. @ River - never doubt the power of the Magic 8 Ball!

    @ Sarah Mac - Welcome, and nice to see a new face!

    @ Penny - le sigh, a boy thing perhaps? :)

    @ Melissa - so glad you have your priorities straight! :) xx

  14. I think I need me an opposite day (or two!)

  15. All hail opposite day - coming soon to a fabulously sunny, aesthetically pleasing, warm & sunny place near you!

  16. Oh wouldn't we all love abit of mind blowing sex with someone other than ourselves? Oh, did I say that out loud? Awwwwkward!

    I love this post V, it's made my night!


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