Thursday, June 16, 2011

Use SEO keywords to take your blog to the next level

I know you're used to coming to Wanderlust to hear me wax on about social causes or see pictures of my adorable children or, in the good old days, read about naked rugby, but today I'm going to do something a little different. Today I'm totally in a giving back mood.

I've been combing through some of the most popular google search terms that land people on my blog and I'm going to share them with you, along with an analysis of what I've learned from them. Here are some from the past few days:

Things to do while on Vicodin – Aside from 'Wanderlust', probably my number one search phrase. I get this several times a day. If, like me, you suffer from killer migraines, you're in luck. Write a post, like this one, on what you like to do while hopped up on painkillers. Title it appropriately using the most common SEO-friendly narcotic search terms. If you don't have a chronic health condition or injury that requires prescription painkillers, you might want to try drinking that bottle of Stoli vodka you've been saving for a special occasion and then going to town on the band saw.

Painting of dead woman in lake – This is one I now get several times a day after writing this post. Who knew this was such a popular painting? And what kind of freaks sit around and google this all day? Anyway, to take advantage of this one, write a post about your ex who's into dead chicks. If, like 99.8% of the population, this doesn't describe you, feel free to write about me and score some SEO points. I'm always happy to take one for the team.

Sex in Bhutan – Seriously? People actually google this? They do. Several times a week. You see, once I wrote a post about a Facebook conversation that started out with a rabbi talking about Seder in Bhutan and ended up being about my friend Amy Leigh's sex life. And then you end up with all kinds of weirdos finding your blog. Cool. Moral of the story: People will google anything + sex.

Copulating snowmen – also courtesy of a post about Amy Leigh.

Nice vulva – Why thank you.

You sat on my tits – Don't you secretly want to know who is googling some of this stuff? Yeah, me neither. Suffice it to say, if you ever write about your ta-tas, you'll get google hits. Moth to the flame, moth to the flame.


I think the obvious conclusions we can draw from this anecdotal analysis of SEO keywords is that google is basically used by people looking for sex, drugs and the occasional macabre painting. Someone may accidentally mistype a word now and then and end up on our blogs (“Woogsword? Crap, meant to type Boobworld”) but otherwise we need to pepper our posts with high-ranking SEO keywords from the trifecta of sin.

There you have it folks. Sit back. Watch the hits roll in. And for heaven's sake, stop posting pictures of your kids because god only knows what kind of freaks you're going to have crawling all over your blog now.

20 comments:

  1. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! This made me laugh and choke on my iced coffee.
    So in order to get more hits I need to start describing my sex life?

    Shit. I need to get a sex life.

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  2. "Sex,drugs and the occasional macabre painting". Well, theres a blog title if there ever was one!!

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  3. Fuck you crack me up girlfriend, SEO scares me as much as Facebook. I have no idea x

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  4. @ Kellie - or *somebody's* sex life. Note I socred SEO points off my friend Amy Leigh.

    @ Skyelee - Now that you mention it...

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  5. @WOOGSIE!!! Are we still in Bali? :P xoxo

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  6. Righto, now I understand, lol, it is quite scary in reality.

    @skylee - yep got it in one with that blog title

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  7. Sex,drugs and the occasional macabre painting? Goddamn, but I can't paint for toffee.

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  8. In fact I had a hit on Wednesday that disturbed me so much I reported it to the police on yesterday, and I am going to be writing about it this weekend - to act as a warning - will post it next week. It is quite ugly. I remember being disturbed almost to the point of mentioning it (wish I had now) of one of your quite early posts (long before your life changed somewhat) where you wrote a genuinely funny piece of innuendos specifically designed to act as SEO fodder - and it was funny - but then afterwards the meat of your post was photos of your kids.
    This was clearly naivety, but the thought of attracting 'that' kind of internet user only to give them pictures of your children instead, troubled me at the time but I was, sadly, no way near confident enough to say anything.

    After the incident on my own site this week - I know that my decision never to publicly display clear photos of my boys on my site was absolutely right for me. I never will now.

    shudder

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  9. Crap, no wonder the "technical terms" of blogging like SEO scare me!

    But you made me laugh, and I was so happy to see this cheeky side of you again - hope you keep smiling xx

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  10. I don't even know if I'm getting google hits.
    Probably not, mine is such a bland little blog, but I'm happy that way.

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  11. Vicodin, Vicodin, Vicodin. How can I get some Vicodin to Australia? Vicodin!

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  12. This explains a LOT. And here I thought they were visiting because of my wit and wisdom . . .

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  13. @Kakka - it's a very scary underground world out there. I wish I didn't know it existed.

    @Glen - yuk. The freaks will find - and then quickly leave - our blogs. Trust me, they aren't looking for this. I think kid pics are okay as long as they are fully clothed.

    @Dorothy - you have Vicodin there, it's just called something else. Don't ask me what. Hmmm... I bet GSK would know!

    @Daze - yeah, we'll just keep fooling ourselves. :)

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  14. Oh, and after blogging for a year and a half I still have NO idea what SEO is all about! Clueless...

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  15. That is so funny! I love your search words, in fact we have quite a lot in common. I often get 'slutty older woman' and 'sexy vixen'. I was quite grumpy about the first one... I'm not an older woman, I'm only 43!!

    Funny thing, I came over because I thought you were going to give us a tutorial on SEO. Excellent ruse! xx

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  16. Sorry Vix, I don't know jack about SEO. x

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  17. Clearly I need more sex in my life, and on my blog. The weirdest search I've had is 'nice bum' and 'hot bum', and I don't know whether to be pleased or scared about that!

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  18. Oh fantastic tips, I'm thinking you should be one of the speakers for SEO at the Digital Parents conference, yes?!?!?
    I always get search terms like "shooting pain in the bum" and "large boobs thin cloth". Charming.

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  19. You are seriously funny but I always knew that.
    Right, back to Boobworld for moi.

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  20. Wow! Sex and SEO, How good is that?


    Cheers!
    Rafael Apolinario
    SEO keywords

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