Thursday, November 10, 2011

Fellow blogger needs our support

Today's Speak Out guest post comes from a blogger within our community who is currently leaving an abusive situation. She needs our love and support. She is okay with me linking her blog, which you can find here, but please don't use her name in your comments.

* * * * *

“You are so confident!”, she says to me in the middle of our conversation, “it doesn’t seem as though you would take much crap from anyone. You seem to know what you want and go get it or get it done.” . It was meant as a compliment and I took it on board as such, not because of its truth, but because it was clear that the front of which I wear is not transparent.

“I love you”, he said within weeks of our meeting. I.Love.You. I want to look after you. I want to be together forever. Years later he put a ring on my finger to prove just that.

“Will you marry me?”, he asked on a balmy summer night as the sun set before us and our feet sunk into the warm sandy beach. For a moment I hesitated, panicked..should I? I felt like I should run far far away...but I said “Yes” because I loved him...but forever since there has always been that sliding doors moment.

I cooked and cleaned and cared for him those few years it was just us two and we were very happy. I got pregnant and we were very happy. We had the baby and I thought we were happy, so very happy.

“We need to talk about this!” the message beeped on his phone as I tended to our newborn and toddler and he did whatever he was doing on the computer. It was from a girl at his work . She rang and in front of me he would not talk!  “You need to talk about what?”, I asked and was told a lie...a believable lie about rumours and being called in to discuss them with the boss. Click, click, click the pieces of the puzzle clicked together in my head and I confronted him and he told me I was stupid, I was wrong, nothing was going on...put down, put down, put down...You are hopeless at everything and now you are making things up. You never have time to talk to me and so I talk to her. That is all. That was not all....I am sure there was so so so much more but I will never know.

Crash! The plate smashes on the floor....”I didn’t do it!”, He screams,  “it was the way you stacked them!” . He didn’t ever cause anything, was never at fault, never ever apologised.

Phone lines, internet sites, chats which ran up thousands of dollars of bills for me to fix and meant nothing at all over the next 6 years. Lies, lies, lies. Fists through walls....screams in faces.....and I was worthless, hopeless, couldn’t do anything right...I caused it all, he explained it all away and I just stayed.

The good times were so great. Compliments, loving, make me feel loved and worshiped and the bad times fade to the back ether regions of my mind. Focus on the good, do the right things, be there for him, listen to him, fix his problems, everything can be happy and we can be a happy family...

He had a very bad temper and I knew that when he was getting worked up that I needed to back off, I needed to let him win the argument because he had told me before that I pushed him too far. He wouldn’t have thrown the remote which nearly hit his baby son if I hadn’t of yelled at him, the door wouldn’t have been smashed, the wall wouldn’t have a hole in it from his fist if I hadn’t of pushed things too far. But that one day I did not care. I was angry, so angry and I kept going past the point when I should have stopped. Oh how brave I felt....until he got me cowering in the corner, sobbing and he pulled his arm back. Hand in a fist so tight that his knuckles were pure white, froth at the edges of his mouth his fist came forward fast to within 2 cms of my face and hovered there as he screamed and screamed at me. Then he left.

He begged to come back, he said he’d get help, he didn’t mean it, he couldn’t help it but knew he needed help and he would get it..get the help. I rang his parents. His Mum came and barged in my house and blamed me for every problem he had. He blames me...she blames me...I blame me, it must be true. He came back home.

I know what domestic abuse is. I have read the books, I have done the PD’s, shit I have even reported it as it is a legal requirement in my job that I do so. That was not my life, I said to myself. This is not abuse. It is just him. He has ADD, he has depression maybe which he will not get treatment for...he does not mean it, I don’t do what he needs and he has no choice. I am hopeless at the housework, just looking around you can see that. I do yell at the kids and he tells me that is why they have any problems or misbehave..I cause that misbehaviour with the way I parent. Anything I do which I think is good, is never good enough. He points out the flaws in all that I do and I see them when he does and so I fail...always fail and I realise, everybody else must see it too right? They must just be being nice when they say they like me, when they compliment me, it cannot be true because he is always there and he sees the opposite. He sees flaws in all about me, he sees how shit I am at things and he tells me must be the truth.

One day I made a new friend. We bonded over my son’s condition, which she was interested in and which she wanted to hear about. I wanted to talk about it and so we began to chat. Then we discovered we had more and more in common and began talking everyday. She made me feel happy, valued and confident. She made me laugh, she wanted to hear my thoughts and know about my life and what I like. After spending time with her I would drive home and feel incredible dread. I was leaving to go to a place where a piece of cow dung would  be more valued than me.

I began to have suicidal thoughts. I was the cause of my children’s problems, despite bringing them up solo for their entire life practically, I was the one who had caused any issues that they had. I was the one not providing a proper life for them, for their father and I were told that their life would be over if we were not all together. It would be ruined forever to come from a broken home. I stayed and tried to keep the peace...but my life light was going out.

I began to take notice of the power, two, three, easy it would be to drive into one. But which side of the car would I need to hit it to die? The thought would come in and instantly I would feel intense fear. Am I suicidal? It wasn’t too hard to imagine that all of their lives would be far better off without me. I was the one causing the fighting, causing him to look around, causing the children’s fighting and swearing, not keeping a spotless showcase was all me. If I wasn’t here anymore then perhaps they would be so much better off?
I told a friend and with her insistence I sought help and got it and those thoughts started to dissipate. My son had a bad dream one night and came running out to me and said that he dreamt he had lost me forever and he never wanted to lose me and I realised...I cannot let him lose me.

Life was horrible, I had no motivation and then the call came through. “I think I have caught something from cheating” he said. “It’s over!”, I said. OVER. He has not come home since.

I rang my parents and I told them what he said and through my tears I begged, like a child who can take no more of the continual bullying they are enduring, “can it stop now? Please tell me this can be the point when I say it is enough? When I say I don’t have to take it anymore!”. They came and held me and said that “yes, it was enough, it should have been enough a long time ago!”. They did not fail to tell me earlier, they simply did not know. No one ever was the way it needed to be because they would see what I fool I was and he demanded that we seem to be perfect, the front of perfection must prevail!

I felt such relief at is over, over now and I am free. But then he wanted to meet and talk and he told me that a doctor told him it was due to his newly diagnosed depression and ADD that he did what he did. He was not to blame! He can see how he treated me and is going to a psych and is on medication and is going to change and I need to give him another chance. He was insistant and I realised with sickening clarity that I would never ever be free of him.

I opened up to an online friend about what my life has been like and I asked her why I after all of that I felt a strong urge to take him back? It was the very last thing I wanted to do and yet I felt that I had no choice but to. She sent me links to Emotional and Verbal Abuse and I could tick every single box! I read the cycle of abuse and it summed up my life perfectly. I had been in an abusive relationship for 16 years which had escalated in severity every year to a point where it was completely unbearable for me.

And yet he will still not let has been only a few weeks and he will not accept that it is over. He is making me wait to make decisions about selling the house. He is ringing twice a day to talk to the kids and taking them once a week. He is being the perfect father that he never was. Doing all these things to prove how much he is changing.

It is all my fault don’t you know....

And I am so broken that sometimes I begin to believe it again, sometimes I start to think that maybe it wasn’t so bad, that maybe I am overreacting and that maybe I should let him come back and be that happy, loving family he is promising.

But then I remember the poles I drive past on the way home from work and I realise that there is no love and care in a relationship that makes me want to give up my children and my life for death to simply escape my husband.

So as incredibly hard as it is to fight the preconditioning that I owe him, that I need to fix him, do whatever he wants me to do, that I cannot live without him....I am going to prove him wrong, I am going to live a long and great life in which no one is telling me how incredibly worthless I am. I am going to teach my children through example how a person should treat a person they love. I am going to be strong.....

But strong is so damn, bloody hard! :(


  1. You will prove him wrong, you are proving him wrong. You are not to blame. He is nothing. You are worthwhile, you are beautiful and you are special. You don't need to be strong all the time. Lean on your family and friends when you need them, and let them be strong for you, when find being strong the hardest. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. Sending love and strength from across the ocean.

  2. My goodness, powerful reading... I wish her so much strength, she deserves safety and happiness for not only her but her children. No one should ever have to live this way x

  3. I am off to click the link but already think I know who this is.

    It is.

    Oh God my sweet. I knew it was bad but I honestly could not say I had any real idea until reading this.

    Now all I want to do is sweep down and grab you and the kids and pull you to safety and a new life up here.

    You are brave, and amazing and wonderful and I feel so blessed to have you in our lives.

  4. Being strong is so hard because the rewards are so great. You must buck up, kick that bastard’s knee caps in the next time he gets close enough to you. Wow, what an abuser he is. If we lived on the same continent you’d be sleeping in my studio with your kids Safely Away from him or his family.

    Read the books-Melody Beattie’s Co-Dependent series is a good start, loads of online resources too ...

    and never look back to him for Anything. You are responsible for what happens to you and the kids—you Must move Forward to a Safe home and you must Protect the Kids from him and from how Crazy he makes You.

  5. So so so proud of you.

    As I have said to you before, this is the start of a whole new chapter. Cannot wait to see you and hug you again in March and see the light back on in your eyes.


  6. You must be so strong to have done this, you might not feel it right now, but being able to break away takes an enormous amount of bravery. I hope that you've got lots of support to sort everything out and you don't have to do this alone.

    Very best of luck for the future.

  7. You prove him wrong every minute you keep going, every minute you deal with all this, every minute you fight with your emotions and your reasoning to get to a point where you can clearly see yourself again. It is hard. Damn hard. But you, your kids, are worth the fight.

  8. Sharp Words

    Please don’t whip me with you’re sharp words,
    They cut so deep and burn.

    They etch scars upon my heart,
    And cause my innocence to turn.

    Please don’t tell me your cruel untruths,
    My soul screams for you to stop.

    Please don’t push me down again,
    Just to make you feel on top.

    All smothered in hate and lies,
    I can not breath.

    I am like you,
    I breath, I bleed.

    I am not what you say I am,
    But I’m starting to believe.

    Please don’t whip me with your sharp words,
    They cut so deep and burn.

    They etch a scar upon my heart,
    And my innocence can never return.

    Andrew Swansson
    © April 2010

    Words ... So damaging if you believe them ... so pathetically weak if you believe in YOURSELF.

    Keep looking forward and believe in YOU. xox

  9. What a wonderful piece of writing!

    This sounds exactly like my own life story! Why do we stay for so long?

    She owes it to herself and her child to never NEVER go back again! Just stick it out, and know: Tomorrow will be much better than yesterday! She will get past this!

    Cut him out of your life as much as you possibly can!!!!

  10. You are amazing. You are strong. You are worthy of so much happiness in your life. You deserve to be blissfully happy.

    You are not at fault. You have the power to make these changes. You have the strength.

  11. I'm so glad you chose to post this. By sharing your story you can see your strength and courage reflected back to you in readers' comments. Pretty soon these voices will drown out his voice -- the one you still hear in your head over and over.

    Much love to you, my friend.

  12. Thank you for sharing this. Your courage will inspire others and that is an amazing gift you have given.

    Evil prospers in the dark and in the silence. I think when we yell it from the roof tops (so to speak) it frees us. Instead of looking foolish, we regain our power. Just a thought...

    As a woman who took mine back, I can tell you from my experience that the promised changes do not last. Granted every experience is different, but I think you are smart for not falling for his malarkey.

    Best wishes.

  13. Wow, this was me about 9 years ago (minus children). huge hugs. It takes amazing guts to stand up to these cowardly bullies and tell them no more! you are worth more than what he has told you & never to blame for their cowardly actions. :)

  14. Just lots and lots of hugs and love for you my friend. As someone who is no stranger to those thoughts or abuse.
    Be strong, you know you are doing the right thing, and what is more important than having a mum and a dad under the same roof is having a HAPPY mum. They need you to be happy.

  15. You are an amazing woman and are so so brave and strong. Lots of hugs xx

  16. I know what it's like, I've been there.
    You've done the right thing.
    It WILL get better.
    I promise.

  17. you've come to the right place. Wanderlust/Kristin is a place strong people come to, people who are prepared to fight. and you're here. the start of a journey for you.


  18. Do you see the love you create? Just by opening that door, letting the dark out, the light has flown in.
    xx my friend.

  19. Reading your story was like reading scenes from my old life. I remember thinking, which pole could I hit, which bridge could I drive into.

    All I can say is it does get better. Slowly, one day at a time you will start to heal. You will get stronger and the thoughts of taking him back will get less and less until one day you look back and can't really figure out why you stayed so long.

    {{Hugs}} to you from someone who has been there. Stay strong. You can do this.


Mmmm, comments - nom, nom, nom, nom!


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