Friday, November 4, 2011

A story of date rape - a guest post for Speak Out

The following is a guest post for Speak Out. It comes from Kristyn at MummyK who discusses the issue of date rape. As with other Speak Out guest posts, please know that if you have experienced sexual violence, this post may be triggering.

Comments on guest posts are an avenue to express compassion and support and will be closely moderated.

Thank you, Kristyn, for sharing with us.



Date rape isn’t really rape



This is a post I wrote in behalf of someone very close to me. I got permission because it needed to be said.



When she first told me what happened, I was confused. I was confused because she was confused. She didn’t know whether she had sex for the very first time or she was raped.

Date rape doesn’t exist in the Philippines. It didn’t then anyway.

She went with him because it was his birthday. He was four years senior to her 16 years of innocence. It was her “bad boy” phase, you see, and even though we all thought he wasn’t good for her, she went with him anyway.

To be young, naïve and easily swayed by image.

She said they went to a motel. But she didn’t know it was going to be a motel because he said they were going to a cabin near the beach. She thought it was going to be a picnic. She thought it was going to be a romantic dinner near the beach under the stars. So she went.

And when they were there, she got confused. But she didn’t know what to do. What to say. How to say how she felt. All she remembered was the fear, her hands being clammy.

Suddenly, she was naked. And he was on top. And she remembered saying “no”, pushing him away, several times too. But she was confused. She was the girlfriend. Wasn’t it part of the “deal” for a girlfriend to sleep with the boyfriend? Isn’t that what 20 year-old boys expect their girlfriends to do?

When it was over, she rushed to the toilet, in pain, bleeding.

All he said was, “you were a virgin? I thought you weren’t.” 

Bleeding, scared, ashamed – and now realising that he thought she slept around too?

She only told me about it. I hated him with a vengeance. I wished demons from hell crawled up into the world and dragged him into their home by his testicles.

She didn’t break up with him. She couldn’t. He made her think it was all okay. That what he did was normal. It took her a couple of months before she had the courage to leave him. Even then, it took her a year and a half of crying every night to get over the guilt and pain. And then another seven years of destructive sexual behaviour before she finally settled.

So yes, date rape isn’t really rape now, is it?

* * * * *



Kristin here again. The issue of date rape can be highly charged. While Kristyn discusses date rape as it is perceived (or not perceived) in the Phillipines, the truth is that in western cultures there is still often a tendency to blame the victim.

Many women are reluctant to report because they blame themselves. Some women, when they realize that their partner is going to force sex upon them, will stop fighting and go along, just to get it over with. That doesn't make it consensual.

Women's bodies and sexual boundaries are not always respected in our culture, not only by men but family members to whom these stories are related. It is far too common for parents and others in authority to downplay or deny rape.

Rape, or any form of violence used to control another person, is never okay, whether it occurs with a stranger, a boyfriend or a spouse. No one has the right to impose their will upon another like that.

I'd like to thank Kristyn for sharing her friend's story here today.

Please consider joining with other bloggers to lend your voice on November 18th. Help us make a difference. You can sign up here.




7 comments:

  1. Oh my goodness, what a powerful story! The pain, the innocence.. takes my breath away... Thank you both for speaking out on such an important topic x

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  2. There is no confusion. Someone says no - be it a woman or a man - that is where it should end. Right then. Right there. To carry on after that point makes it a rape.

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  3. Women want love.. and men want sex. Women give sex to get some love in return..but hopes and wishes remain just that.Incomplete and unfulfilled.

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  4. Oh your friend.
    I know her pain. I still haven't "dealt" with it many many years later.
    Only my experience it wasn't me losing my virginity, but it was a similar thing, forced upon me by my at the time boyfriend, and something I never counted as rape because I stayed with him for months later despite the roller coaster realtionship, and yes we did "it" several times after that time, so where do you really take a stand? I wasn't with anyone after breaking up with that guy for over 2 years, although I had a long term relationship, and my first love in there. That relationship blackened a part of me, and caused a lot of destructiveness in me.
    I want to say thank you to you Kristyn for writing this. It's not something that I talk about. I hadn't even told Mr Black about it until my pregnancy with Greenie, our second child. I never quite knew what to call it, what to make of it. Just a boyfriend who seemed charming, but when he wanted his own way he got it, and he was happy to use alcohol (i.e. getting me drunk underage) to help control me.
    I just want to send a lot of love and compassion to your friend. I hope it does not control her life or make her feel defined in any way. <3

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  5. Thank you for the support and the comments everyone!

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  6. A not talked about enough topic. The pain I felt for years was pushed down and denied. I acted out. Until I finally spoke the truth and got some help. The hardest part of it all was the confusion of this shady-type topic. The blurred edges of it. I had my own guilt from poor choices I made. I woke up in a BAD situation that I hadn't asked for. It doesn't have a hold over me like it used to.

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  7. Thank you for posting on such an important, but often overlooked form of sexual assault. Mine occurred almost 10 years ago, and I am just now beginning the grueling healing process. I hope that your friend has found peace. Again, many thanks to both you and your friend for sharing.

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