My posting has been light of late. There has been stuff happening in the background – court hearings, namely – and I’ve struggled with whether or not I should talk about it, and if so, how much to say.
I don’t want to dwell on the criminal case. Every time I deal with it, it’s like walking into a thick, dark fog. There is an energy, a very dense and qualmy energy, which accompanies sexual and physical violence and those who participate in it.
Every time I deal with some aspect of these crimes, whether in a courtroom or in my dealings with police or my estranged husband, I have to descend into that energy again and it feels like breathing poison. When I write about this stuff, and when you read about it, we are dipping our collective thoughts into that energy. This is not what I want to share with you.
However, writing about it can be cathartic. Expression acts as a catalyst to clear and heal the places in me where this energy has settled. So I try to tease apart what needs out of my system and what is best left unsaid; what can be helpful and enlightening, and what is simply macabre. It’s a fine line.
Lately, I’ve found myself avoiding my blog and not interacting with others online. When that happens, it usually means I have something I need to get out. It’s like a blockage that needs to be cleared from my heart so that I can feel like myself again.
Today I will be sharing some of what was revealed in recent testimony. I will never reveal anything that would compromise the case, only that which has been shared in a public courtroom. Some of it is disturbing. None of it will make you feel good. You may read it if you wish or you can click away.
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I’ve had to return to court several times in recent months. This is not the criminal trial – that investigation remains open. Rather, it’s to litigate issues regarding the children. It’s involved testimony from the forensic detective on his case, the children’s therapist and myself. Mr. X (I’m sorry, I can no longer refer to him as ‘my husband’) has refused to testify, pleading the 5th.
It’s been sobering, infuriating, jaw-droppingly ridiculous and above all, exhausting. Here are the salient points.
I’m going with bullet points on this one. I don’t feel like telling a story.
- The forensic detective revealed that an initial scan of Mr. X’s hard drive, using a program that matches images with known child pornography images, revealed 18,000 matches. (In his second testimony, a few months later, he said 14,000. I don’t know which is correct. I’m not sure it matters. Either number is beyond my comprehension.)
- The forensic detective revealed that among the material confiscated from Mr. X’s office were videos of pre-pubescent children doing stripteases.
- He also revealed that there were videos of adults having sex with pre-pubescent children.
- In my testimony, I discussed items found in the home that suggested Mr. X was either producing or intending to produce his own pornography, including recently purchased professional-grade photographic equipment, video-making software, and a hand-drawn floorplan that showed cameras situated in several rooms, including the bedroom, as well as on a porch outside the bedroom. The floorplans did not match any residence I know of.
- I revealed concerns I had regarding the children, which I will not discuss here.
- During cross-examination, Mr. X’s attorney suggested that I was trying to damage Mr. X’s reputation with my writing. He lifted a couple of partial sentences out of context from separate blog posts and combined them together to support his argument.
- I corrected his misstatement and responded that I shared my own personal experiences and the facts of the situation. If those facts were damaging to Mr. X’s reputation, he would have to accept accountability for that.
- Mr. X is alleging that I started my blog “to profit off his court case”, despite the fact that it was clearly started before we ever decided to divorce.
- Mr. X’s attorney then accused me of making a great deal of money off my blog. I had to keep from laughing here. Actually, I think I did laugh. I asked what documentation they had of me making money off my blog and he brought up the donations I sought to attend the ABC in Sydney in March. (I’m not sure what the point of this line of questioning was, honestly.)
- There was more along this vein. I’ll spare you the details. I don’t think it serves any purpose other than to illustrate the machinations of a very disturbed mind.
There will be more hearings in the coming months. They are physically, emotionally and financially draining. I seem to get sick after each one.
To be quite honest, after the detective shared the evidence about the videos of adults having sex with children, something in me died. I hadn’t known about that.
I don’t know why it should shock me, considering everything else. We hold onto our illusions, don’t we, until the very end? This man, I laid beside him for nine years. He is the father of my children.
But there is more grief beneath that. Grief for the illusions I held and for the history my children will inherit.
Every night, I pray for an end to this.
All I want is an opportunity to create a new life, free of this dark and twisted energy, one where my children can flourish and we can all be safe. I think that’s the very least we deserve.