Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Breathing poison

My posting has been light of late. There has been stuff happening in the background – court hearings, namely – and I’ve struggled with whether or not I should talk about it, and if so, how much to say.

I don’t want to dwell on the criminal case. Every time I deal with it, it’s like walking into a thick, dark fog. There is an energy, a very dense and qualmy energy, which accompanies sexual and physical violence and those who participate in it.

Every time I deal with some aspect of these crimes, whether in a courtroom or in my dealings with police or my estranged husband, I have to descend into that energy again and it feels like breathing poison.  When I write about this stuff, and when you read about it, we are dipping our collective thoughts into that energy. This is not what I want to share with you.

However, writing about it can be cathartic. Expression acts as a catalyst to clear and heal the places in me where this energy has settled.  So I try to tease apart what needs out of my system and what is best left unsaid; what can be helpful and enlightening, and what is simply macabre. It’s a fine line.

Lately, I’ve found myself avoiding my blog and not interacting with others online. When that happens, it usually means I have something I need to get out.  It’s like a blockage that needs to be cleared from my heart so that I can feel like myself again.

Today I will be sharing some of what was revealed in recent testimony. I will never reveal anything that would compromise the case, only that which has been shared in a public courtroom.  Some of it is disturbing. None of it will make you feel good. You may read it if you wish or you can click away.

 * * * * *

I’ve had to return to court several times in recent months. This is not the criminal trial – that investigation remains open.  Rather, it’s to litigate issues regarding the children. It’s involved testimony from the forensic detective on his case, the children’s therapist and myself. Mr. X (I’m sorry, I can no longer refer to him as ‘my husband’) has refused to testify, pleading the 5th.

It’s been sobering, infuriating, jaw-droppingly ridiculous and above all, exhausting. Here are the salient points.

I’m going with bullet points on this one. I don’t feel like telling a story.
  • The forensic detective revealed that an initial scan of Mr. X’s hard drive, using a program that matches images with known child pornography images, revealed 18,000 matches.  (In his second testimony, a few months later, he said 14,000. I don’t know which is correct. I’m not sure it matters. Either number is beyond my comprehension.)
  • The forensic detective revealed that among the material confiscated from Mr. X’s office were videos of pre-pubescent children doing stripteases.
  • He also revealed that there were videos of adults having sex with pre-pubescent children.
  • In my testimony, I discussed items found in the home that suggested Mr. X was either producing or intending to produce his own pornography, including recently purchased professional-grade photographic equipment, video-making software, and a hand-drawn floorplan that showed cameras situated in several rooms, including the bedroom, as well as on a porch outside the bedroom. The floorplans did not match any residence I know of.
  • I revealed concerns I had regarding the children, which I will not discuss here.
  • During cross-examination, Mr. X’s attorney suggested that I was trying to damage Mr. X’s reputation with my writing. He lifted a couple of partial sentences out of context from separate blog posts and combined them together to support his argument.
  • I corrected his misstatement and responded that I shared my own personal experiences and the facts of the situation. If those facts were damaging to Mr. X’s reputation, he would have to accept accountability for that.
  • Mr. X is alleging that I started my blog “to profit off his court case”, despite the fact that it was clearly started before we ever decided to divorce.
  • Mr. X’s attorney then accused me of making a great deal of money off my blog. I had to keep from laughing here. Actually, I think I did laugh. I asked what documentation they had of me making money off my blog and he brought up the donations I sought to attend the ABC in Sydney in March. (I’m not sure what the point of this line of questioning was, honestly.)
  • There was more along this vein. I’ll spare you the details. I don’t think it serves any purpose other than to illustrate the machinations of a very disturbed mind.



  
There will be more hearings in the coming months. They are physically, emotionally and financially draining. I seem to get sick after each one.

To be quite honest, after the detective shared the evidence about the videos of adults having sex with children, something in me died. I hadn’t known about that.

I don’t know why it should shock me, considering everything else. We hold onto our illusions, don’t we, until the very end? This man, I laid beside him for nine years. He is the father of my children.

But there is more grief beneath that. Grief for the illusions I held and for the history my children will inherit.

Every night, I pray for an end to this. 

All I want is an opportunity to create a new life, free of this dark and twisted energy, one where my children can flourish and we can all be safe.  I think that’s the very least we deserve.


46 comments:

  1. I wish I could say something that would help. I can say "I understand" and "I'm sorry you have to go through this".

    I sincerely hope that this will end soon and you can move on.

    Perhaps, can you think about what it would be and feel like to have this over and done with? To be free? Imagine yourself there and draw it to you...

    That's all I have... I'm sorry...

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  2. Wow. Just wow. I hate that you're going through this, and having to see such a dark, evil side of someone you once loved and trusted.

    And please don't ever hesitate to release the toxic energy here. You have a giant support group here that can handle it and there's no reason for you to hold it all inside.

    Not much else to say. Just that I'm thinking of and rooting for you. Take care of yourself.

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  3. It's a horrible, dirty feeling, having to dip back into the hurts and fears of the past, even fleetingly.

    Totally understand your wish to see an end to it, to be able to walk away into the light and never look back. It's coming, sweetheart...hang in there. We'll hold your hand. xxx

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  4. Sending love, energy and peace Kristin

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  5. Flabbergasted but not absolutely surprised that mr. x's lawyer would stoop that low... sounds like they are grasping at straws. You harming his reputation??!!! You couldn't even begin to hold a candle to what that man has already done to his entire community, children, wife and family at large. Oh my.

    Keep writing is all I can say...
    (((((hugs)))))

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  6. The only way is through. You are stronger than you realize. Hugs.

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  7. I've only started reading your blog in recent months so I feel like a stranger intruding by commenting. But I feel a shared humanity with you and wanted to let you know that I feel for you in your sadness and frustration. Hoping that the new year brings you fresh starts, hope and a clearing of all the toxic air.

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  8. This comment - it's not constructive or full of suggestions, just love. Lots and lots of love. Love you, love A&D, love love love. <3

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  9. I just can't get my head around it: what you have to face beautiful Kristin. It's just beyond my comprehension -- the pain, the heartbreak, the anger-- I just don't know what to say. Wrong. Wrong is a word that comes to mind. No peson should have to do what you're doing and yet you have to do it, and muster up the strength to get through. Leaving you some love here. xxxx

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  10. Wow, no wonder you get sick every time you have to rehash/relive/live this.... Kristen you are so brave.... Heaps of hugs and support from Tassie XX

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  11. Trying to make sense of senselessness... That's how I felt.

    Unfortunately I continuely hit a brick wall, because this ... this horribly dark evil "thing" can never ever been made sense of.

    Sometimes you feel like you're going to drown in it, that it will swallow you whole. But people like you and I - we are made of stronger stuff. The truth WILL set us free.

    and as the saying goes "when your going through hell, Keep going"

    In between those times at court please take care of yourself, and allow others to as well.

    love light and strength beautiful woman. xxx

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  12. Oh, babe, what a horrible dirty weight to have to bear right now. You know if I could take part of it for you, I would. There are many of us who would.
    I have faith in you, though, faith in your strength and your integrity.
    This WILL come to an end, one day... and won't there be one hell of a party when it does!!

    xxx

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  13. I cannot imagine what you are going through. Stay strong. Keep a clear head. Keep your eye on the prize - your kids. We are all rooting for you!

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  14. I am a stalker of your blog and I admire your great attitude. I do not know you or your ex BUT anyone found with child abuse videos etc is not a person that I would even spit on.
    Because you are not trying to cover up any thing or cover your tracks, you really only have to make sure your children are safe and what great outfit and hairstyle are you going to wear to court!!! Your truth does not have to be revised, remembered but just plainly told. You go girl and we'll meet you back over in Australia one day!

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  15. I'm praying for your family K, you are a very brave woman and mother. Take care of yourself.

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  16. You'll get through this, because you have to. Sending love and wishes for comfort xo

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  17. I wish I could say more than I am sorry and I wish you and your children peace. xx

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  18. I hope this all ends for you as soon as possible. I can't even comprehend what it is you are going through. Sending love your way, to you and your kids
    xxx

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  19. I really appreciate all the supportive comments and hugs from afar. I feel a bit lighter after writing this, like the block cleared. It was cathartic.

    Thanks so much for the cyber love - it helps more than you know. x

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  20. Kristin, you know they would only stoop so low because they have absolutely nothing to use against you. All you are doing is trying to survive a shitty situation and keep your children safe.

    I hope it's over for you soon and you can all move on. I can only half imagine how you're feeling, and I want you to know that there is so much love for you across the ocean. We can't wait to welcome you x

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  21. Darling girl, cannot think of anything to type. Sorry. Gobsmacked and dumbfounded xxxxx

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  22. such an awful story. But thank you for sharing your journey. x

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  23. I feel sorry you have to now experience the legal system on top of everything else.

    Big hugs...xx

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  24. I cannot take away your pain. I can only remind you that we are all here; your support team from around the world. And a very wise woman once told me that when you feel that toxic energy enveloping you, you stop for a moment and either say in your head, or outloud (if you are alone): I refuse to take on anyone else's karma; or; I will not take on anyone else's baggage/life's lessons. Whichever resonates for you. Repeat it. Say it silently or outload as often as you need to. Eventually you will feel a shift in energy. I do it and it has helped. It doesn't fix thing but I do feel it helps to repel some of the evil that is being projected onto me.
    I hate that you are going through all this, and just hope it is over soon and that justice will prevail. xo

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  25. Wow! I am so sorry to hear about all that you have been going through! I find it terribly upsetting to read through the bullet points, and I can imagine that it only scratches the surface...
    Justice always prevails. It takes very long, but it does! Hold onto it!!
    They are grabbing at the very last straws, your blog, and it wont get them very far...

    Sending you lots of love and strenght! Just keep on going, Kristin!

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  26. That is the stuff of nightmares.
    Yours, mine and every mother's.
    I'm sorry you have to live it - breathe it.
    I look forward to when you can breathe clean and deep again.
    x

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  27. NOthing I can say will help, of course. There's nothing. But my thoughts have never strayed far from you, wishing for an end to this misery. Wishing for a fresh start for you.

    The thought that he was considering making his own...that's like a physical blow to me. I had no idea you'd been living with that. I can't imagine how you bare that pain. Thank God you stopped him.

    My love to you. Always.

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  28. Love and light, K. Much love and light.xxx

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  29. You're so strong and eventually you'll be able to kick these jerks to the kerb! Big aussie love to you xx

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  30. I have so many things I want to say, but all of them sound so contrived when spoken aloud.

    Just know that you are heard. Praying for you and your children xx

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  31. You're bigger than he is and you always have been.

    It's been my experience that people who commit terrible acts are able to live with themselves by a complex mechanism of denial and justification. Someone else is always to blame.

    You feel sick because you don't have that mindset. You are living with the truth and he is in denial.

    Wish I could say something more useful right now. Just know I'm thinking of you.

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  32. @Melbo - I think you hit the nail on the head. Was talking with my attorney about this yesterday. I think he actually believes his own lies. I don't know how someone could live in that much denial, then again, I don't know how someone could do this to children. His mind, his heart, his soul -- they are a foreign landscape to me.

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  33. I wish I could say something that would give you strength, galvanize you and give you light. But really there are no words for this. This continuous body shock that you are suffering. It will end. It will. You just have to outlive it. Outdistant it emotionally. I know that is easier said than done.

    We're all rooting for you here. Hugs.

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  34. Big virtual hugs, I cannot imagine the frustration and anger you must feel everytime you have to deal with this situation.

    And for his lawyer to be so bloody pedantic - 1400 or 1800 shit!

    Wishing it all gets sorted quickly for you. x

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  35. Kristin, I began reading this on the most horribly slow connection (out on country roads as we were heading back home) that kept dropping out. I couldn't wait to get home to leave a comment to acknowledge this post.

    I could go through a list of trite words that hope in any small way to give you a bit of strength. But really, what I most want to honour is your incredible tenacity through all this. All that you knew, all you now know, all you are possibly yet to discover is someone ELSE's truth and reality. And through it all, you blanket your blog posts with a protective layer. Don't ever stop that. It's the stuff of true magic weavers. I want to thank you profusely for what you are doing as you leave your trail of stories for others to discover. Clear and protect, yourself and those who come across you here... it's so important and you do it instinctively.

    Peace and blessings, dear one xxx

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  36. @VBC - not 1,800, but 18,000. I know, it's beyond comprehension. I think it must be a lifetime collection. I just feel sick. x

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  37. @Being Me - thank you so much. You're such a beautiful soul. So glad to call you my friend. x

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  38. I don't know what to say either but when I read it I cannot imagine how you live through it. All strength and hope to you. x

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  39. I wish I had some words to say, but I don't.

    I wish for your pain to leave soon so you can enjoy the happiness and peace of a life you and your children deserve.

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  40. Illusions are sometimes so important and when they're shot it can be so upsetting. I can't even imagine what you're going through and I am not at all surprised that you're sick after each hearing.

    It is good to write, it is cathartic. There is nothing really to say except that I too hope you receive the end to this soon.

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  41. Oh, wow. You are a brave woman. You may not feel so, but you are. To be on this journey and surviving. I'm so sorry.

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  42. I can't even imagine the pain of it. I just can't. I can understand, however, that sense of disbelief: this idea that a person who is supposedly (1) a parent and (2) human could be capable of horrendous behavior and attitudes, especially towards his/her own children. While we haven't had to deal with the extreme kind of horror you are (beyond comprehension), we have had to deal with other kinds of bizarre, psychotic, and downright abusive Stuff with my husband's ex.

    So I get what it's like to feel silenced, blocked, and unable to even speak or write the welling anger and horror and appalling sadness.

    Hugs to you, my friend.

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  43. I couldn't just leave without commenting. But I have no words. Just sending you all the strength I possess. But you have proven that you are so strong already. xxx

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