Wednesday, December 14, 2011

The unspoken

There are words inside me which never make it to the page. When I sit down to write, every thought, every sentence I might pen, is held onto for a moment and tasted, like one rolls a sour candy around in their mouth before deciding to bite.

What if there is reprisal?

This is not how I like to write.

Inside my gut, I feel the dull edges of long silent truths rock up against each other and settle back into place. More often than not, I simply close the computer.

 * * *

Our divorce trial is set for February, almost two years after the process began. Two full days have been set aside by the court to deliberate the spoils and obligations of a ten year marriage.

The detectives have said they plan to offer his criminal case to the Feds by the end of January and that, in the unlikely event the Feds turn it down, the County has already agreed to prosecute. Finally, charges are imminent.

What will happen if he is charged? He will be arrested, bail will be set, he will pay it and be out of jail within days. His job of 25 years may or may not be there when he gets out, I don’t know.

But the gig will be up. The news will have hit the papers.

What this will mean for me and the children remains to be seen.

These two events, the divorce trial and the criminal charges, both so long coming, are like two visitors that have been held up in transit, finally arriving long after the dinner plates have been cleared.  I see their shadows on the horizon.  Sometimes I regard them and think about how their arrival will impact my life. Mostly, I just look away.



22 comments:

  1. Do not dwell in the past,
    do not dream of the future,
    concentrate the mind
    on the present moment.

    Something I have to remind myself of every single day. Its ok to look away. You will deal with it when it arrives.

    Sending you love and light xxxx

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  2. A big few months ahead for you and your family. My thoughts are with you. You will be ok. x

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  3. You write so powerfully. Wishing you strength and peace as one journey ends and another unfolds. x

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  4. I agree - do not look into the shadows until they actually sit at the table.

    Wishing you and yours a very peaceful and loving Christmas, and strength for the New Year to come.

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  5. Oh mommy, you must be feeling so much right now. Do try to have a happy holiday with your friends and babies. When February comes, you'll be able to handle it because... well, look at how much you've handled already! So many people admire you and love you and RESPECT you and that isn't going to change once everything is out in the open.

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  6. *hugs*
    Good luck. You need your close on him.

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  7. Can't imagine what this feels like but I sense you have the strength to get through it. One day at a time.

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  8. What a powerful post. For now, look away and when the time gets closer you will have the strength to look ahead and do what needs to be done.

    Thinking of you ! Love, hugs and positive energy !

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  9. Not a lot I can say. I can't even begin to imagine what this feels like for you, so many emotions rolled up in it and so many implications, not just for you, but for those two precious kids.
    I pray that people are kind to you, that your neighbours continue to watch out for you, that you have what you need to get you through this and out the other side.
    xxx

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  10. Thinking of you and the kids. Look away until you can't any longer, and let tomorrow bring what it may. No sense in torturing yourself in the meantime. Focus instead on celebrating the holidays if you possibly can.

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  11. Oh, K. I've been reading for ages without comment, but I'm compelled to here. Rock and a hard place indeed. Is the torture of waiting worse or better than the agony of not knowing an outcome? To wait or to know. Often neither is wanted. x

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  12. Oh gosh that must be hard. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope things go as smoothly as possible and as quickly as possible.
    xxx

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  13. Be strong. What will be, will be. Peace.

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  14. Hugs. Be strong. And surround yourself with good people for the times that strength is beyond you.

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  15. How well I know that feeling of fear ... I think of you practically every day. Remember this: You are stronger than you know, just to have come this far. You are amazing. You are a wonderful mother and role model, not just for your kids but for others. You have a support team around the world praying/thinking of you (depending on our beliefs) and places you can escape to at a moments' notice. Be brave, hang in there. We will help you through this. Much love. And yes, live in the moment as much as possible and find the beauty and magic in every day. xo

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  16. Life in limbo... But the end is in sight!
    Thinking of you! You are nearly there!

    I always say that truth will prevail! The wheels of justice turn slowly, but it does turn finally!

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  17. Thank you to everyone who commented here (or contacted me otherwise) with your support and encouragement. It means a lot.

    It will be a difficult few months but ultimately, it leads to the other side. x

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  18. I'm just sorry you have to deal with this. You don't deserve it.

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  19. Breathing deeply alongside you, friend. Huge gentle hugs to you and your precious kids. We're all here xxxxxxx

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  20. Thinking of you, it looks like 2012 will be a very trying year for you. Hopefully you will be able to breathe easy once it's all behind you.

    Take care and have a great Christmas. xx

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  21. such a long and arduous journey for you, and still a mountain to climb in 2012, but as I always say you have the strength.

    M2Mx

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