Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Silenced

So much happening right now. So much to say. And right now, so much I can't say.

I wrote this post (Silenced) almost two years ago, when I was afraid to talk about the criminal case. Two years. I thought then it would be over in a matter of months.

The good news is that things are moving now, and moving quickly. I'll fill in the blanks when it's safe for me to talk. If I'm silent for a few days I get emails asking if we're okay (thank you, yes we are). I'll try to post when I can so you know we are well, even if I can't say much about our current situation. xx

* * *
 
When I was in my 20's I wrote quite a bit. I studied writing in college. It was like a drug. I would start writing in the early evenings and stories would pour out of me and I would stop writing in the wee hours. I would go to bed but the stories wouldn't stop, they would keep coming and coming and I couldn't sleep and I loved every moment of it. Writing made me feel alive and when I wrote I knew who I was and I knew the very center of my truth.

When I was in my 30's I stopped writing. Why? I'm not sure why. There are probably a dozen reasons why. Or maybe just a few. Or perhaps just one.

A year ago, I started writing again and it was brilliantly freeing and joyous and soul-quenching. I started my blog and connected with people all over the world. Some of those connections blossomed into strong friendship.

I wrote about feeling lost, about my love for Australia, my children, and sometimes just plain silliness. I wrote straight through the collapse of my marriage and just as I was walking out the door and into a new life full of promise I was slammed with a series of events, unfathomable events, that plunged me into a world of chaos and pain beyond anything I have ever experienced.

And I can't write about it.

It's not that I can't find the words. I just can't write about it now.

I miss writing so much. I miss all of you so much. I don't know how to write about small things when I can't talk about the monumental things that are dominating my life and flattening my spirit.

After finding my voice again after so many years, the silence is painful.  I long for the day I can speak freely and openly.

In the meantime, I'm grateful for the kindness of friends who are lending an ear in confidence and otherwise helping restore order to a shattered world.


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