Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Reeling

Tonight I am reeling. I received some disturbing news and it's something I'm not able to share. It's related to the case, of course. I'm so tired of getting bad news and then being told to keep it quiet. I understand why. I respect the need for confidentiality. But it just makes it so hard.

When we were kids my brother had one of those inflatable clown punching bags. Do you remember those? You would hit it and it would spring right back up. I think it was Bozo the clown.

I feel like that punching bag right now. I keep getting hit with hard news. Then I integrate it, wrap my mind around it and manage to find my balance. As soon as I exhale – bam – here comes some new piece of information that knocks me off center again. Balancing and re-balancing. It's become my thing.

I keep thinking I can predict what's down the pike. But I can't. I can't predict something I don't understand.

Today I read a blog written by a woman who lost her 12-year-old son. Someone left the link for me on my last post, as she thought this woman's blog would be good for the new directory. I followed the link over and read her story. She sent her kids to school one day, posted pictures on her blog of them going off to school. The next day her son drowned in a freak accident. I sat at the computer and read her story with disbelief, hot tears streaming down my face.

Today was the first day of school for my kids. I took pictures of them going off to school.

Life is full of sharp turns. Unexpected turns.

I've lost a lot, but I have my children. So I have everything, really.

It feels a bit ridiculous to write a post saying something has hit me hard and then not tell you what it is is. Usually when that happens, I simply say nothing. But tonight I am posting to say that I'm reeling, that it's okay, and that I'll find my center again in a few days. It feels better to say something than nothing.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for your support (even if you don't always know what you're offering support for). It really does help to speak and be heard. It makes it all easier somehow.

Hug your kids tight tonight. Love on them hard.





33 comments:

  1. I know that feeling. It's like constantly having the carpet pulled from under your feet. Or like the punchy clown, exactly.
    I swear, though, one day you will realise that you haven't had to think about any of this for days. Weeks.
    And on that day, we'll pop a bottle of Veuve, yes?

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  2. I hear you. I think it's important to be heard. Especially when you're reeling. My heart skipped a beat about the story of the 12 year old boy. I hope that you finding out about it was divine timing to protect your kids in the way you have. Yes, they are everything. So so precious. Sending you much love. xxx

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    1. Thanks Deb. I think if anything, that story just put things in perspective for me. There's always some fresh hell worse than our own. I just wanted to wrap her up in a big hug. x

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  3. YOu have my support *hughughug*

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  4. Loving on them some for you, too. You'd like my Riley and Ella - They'd get along with your A and D.

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    Replies
    1. I'm sure I'd love them (like their mama). x

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  5. I never know what to say. "that sucks" doesn't even come close.
    I'm glad posting helps you. And talking while not talking is like an eff you to the whole thing.

    Xxx listening.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, sweets. I know It's hard to know what to say. I feel the same way sometimes after reading about someone else's pain. But I love what you said and I appreciate that you took the time to read. x

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  6. I too usually say nothing unless I can say something. I hate being vague about it and I always claim to want authenticity yet I cannot speak openly or say what I want to say. I feel sometimes it is choking me.

    Thinking of you.

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    Replies
    1. It's a tough line to walk, isn't it? I go back and forth. It's not in my nature to edit my words. Thanks for reading and commenting, M.

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  7. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Beds here waiting for when you want.

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  8. To have gone through all this and still have your strength and spirit intact. Amazing, even if you feel black and blue.

    M2Mx

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    Replies
    1. I don't feel very amazing, but I love you for saying that. x

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  9. The climbs upward to the best views and the cleanest air are the hardest and most exhausting to navigate. And you feel your most weary when you are near the top.

    You are so nearly there.

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    Replies
    1. You know, you should be a writer or sumpin.

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  10. Sending lots of big {{{hugs}}} your way !
    Love, hugs and positive energy.
    Me

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for the cyber hugs, sweets. x

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  11. Sorry to hear!! Thanks for sharing... We are anxiously waiting, as well!

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    Replies
    1. You've walked beside me this entire journey. Thank you. xo

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  12. Big tight hugs, wrapping you up in my arms and letting you rest, I so wish I could do it in real life. Can I suggest you get a punching bag yourself and when the world makes you feel like it is using you as a punching bag, you put a photo of your ex on the bag and beat the crap out of it? xxxx

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    Replies
    1. I'll take a rain check on that IRL hug. And honestly, I'm too exhausted to punch anything.

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  13. It may not feel like it right now, but the reason people read this blog and admire you so much are because of your amazing coping skills. You are strong at your core. The fact that you are a really good writer is just a freaking bonus. Just about everyone gets smacked with tragedy at some point in their life; it always takes our breath away, though. It is the AFTERMATH that makes one person stand out from another. It will completely break one person. Just shatter them. It is the person who keeps going and speaks out, even if they are scared as hell, that we all can't help but admire. So, yeah, you are going to reel. You have done it before. It might happen a few more times. I like to think that each time you will find your footing a little more quickly, because you will know yourself better. You got through the last thing; you will get through this, too. Hang in there!!!

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    1. Oh Robin, what a beautiful comment. Thank you. I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other.

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  14. I don't know why life has to be so hard ... sending you love and strength to hang in there.

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  15. thank you for reaching out to me to let me know how my story has affected you. life is pretty darn hard, isn't it? xo

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Anna. You're an inspiration.

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