Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Slow Bloom

The day after they put him in prison I walked by the front door and noticed it was unlocked. I hesitated a moment, telling myself I didn’t need to lock it. It was okay now. It was the middle of the day and the neighbors were outside.

But I locked it anyway. Old habits die hard.

It’s not just the locks, it’s everything. When I pull out of the garage, when I sit down to write, when I drive by the court house, when I hear the house settling at night, when I go out to the mailbox.

My mind knows that the threat is gone, but my body hasn’t gotten the memo. The anxiety is still there. The knee jerk lock-checking and rearview-mirror-watching. I walk around with my energy pulled in tight around me, like a winter coat. I have to remind myself, again and again. It’s okay. It’s okay. It really is okay.

I want so much to feel free. I thought it would be like flipping a switch. Once he was in prison, I would feel free, just like that. In retrospect, of course, that seems impossibly naïve.

Some days I feel myself expanding. I feel light and hopeful. I feel full of life. Other days, the fear is still there. I’m like a car that’s stuck in a rut, rocking back and forth, trying to ease myself out and back onto the road.

I’ve been fixing up the yard. On Mother’s Day I went out and bought a bunch of flowers and planted them. I bought new, bright cushions for the deck chairs.

For three years the yard sat neglected. My neighbor diligently mowed my lawn, because he is a saint, but I did little myself to keep it up. Why should I? I never went and sat on the back porch. Too exposed.

But the last couple of evenings I’ve sat out there, listening to the outdoor noises of spring and just taking it all in. The cats ate grass, barfed it back up, and then rolled around on the brick patio, blissed out. I sat out there and actually enjoyed it. I felt at peace.

So I’m here, slowly unfolding into this new life, easing myself back onto the road and beginning to believe that maybe, just maybe, I can have something like an ordinary life.













22 comments:

  1. Slowly, but surely, it will come. You will unfurl into your new life, like a spring flower. Maybe as you start playing in the yard again, you yourself will bloom.

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    1. I imagine it is happening a lot faster than I know, it just feels like a slow process. Life always feels like a slow process, doesn't it? I'm always wanting to rush it along. xx

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  2. I just stumbled across your blog. I wish you the very best in your healing.

    I have literally just started blogging. I will have a look through your site.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for visiting, Zen. I wish you all the best with your blogging. It's a wild, fun world.

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  3. Nothing like the peace of nature and animals to help you feel safe and at ease. Here's hoping one day you will inhale that feeling.

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    1. Yes, animals have a really beautiful energy to them. They know how to just be. Thanks, Becci.

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  4. Sending heaps of love, hugs and positive energy your way. As spring turns into summer, yoo too will start to bloom and the inner energy that has been kept tight inside will blossom and you will fulfill your full potential !!
    It took me many years after moving to Australia to be able to sit inside without locking all the doors and windows - and it took me even longer to be able to sit outside by myself - now I can't imagine not being able to do either of those things !!
    Big hugs to you !
    Me

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, sweetie. I love hearing your own story of reclaiming yourself and your life. I will get there, too, in time. xo

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  5. I hope you enjoy your new/old space and try to avoid stepping in the cat barf there really is nothing worse!!

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    1. I'm just grateful he barfed outside and not in the house! x

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  6. so apparently I have been living under a rock! I have just caught up on your "news". Somehow I missed that you had started writing again...

    I remember when I got the news that my abuser had been found guilty and was sentenced. I couldn't believe that 12 total strangers believed me. It was a strange feeling... To be heard.

    He has a parole hearing in August 2013. He has been in jail 9 years in October 2013. Where has that gone?

    But I did something huge yesterday. I spoke on radio about how to educate your children to keep themselves safe from sexual abuse. When I found out about the parole hearing I was triggered into terrible anxiety and PTSD. Yesterday I stood back in my power.

    Be kind and gentle with yourself. I think rebuilding your garden is a fantastic idea. Something to ground you, help you breathe.

    Lots of love light and strength as always beautiful xxxx

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    1. I love that you spoke out on the radio, Vicky. Good for you! And yes, I can imagine the anxiety and fear that must be surfacing, knowing he is nearing release. I won't even let my own mind go down that road (yet).

      I have a lot of words inside me that are beginning to bubble up. I still need to trust that it's okay to speak them. Even with everything I've written, a lot has gone unsaid. I'm not in any hurry. I think the healing and opening up is a natural process, and I'll just let it take its course.

      Big hugs to you. xo

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  7. Ordinary can be incredibly nice. I'm glad that you are finding a little bit of peace and unfolding from the protective shell that has been required for so long. I wish you deep, abiding, and quiet joy. *hugs*

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    1. Thank you, dear Wendryn. I hope you and your family are well. x

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  8. One day at a time my love, and before you know it, it will be a thing of the past. Stepping into the sunlight just a little more each day will renew your energy, your love of life, your feeling of safety. Even small steps lead to bigger and more wonderful things. Wishing you love, laughter and happiness from this day forward. Sending sunshine and rainbows your way xxxx

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    1. K, you always make me smile. Thank you. xo

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  9. The picture of your cat says it all.
    You can face the sun without the risk of it revealing you. You can revel in it's warmth. You can do more than simply exist.

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  10. Replies
    1. Well...I don't want to be too normal. That might be a little scary. :)

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  11. Alas, freedom is a habit most of us take for granted. For those who are wiser it is a skill that has to be learnt.

    You will get there. Slowly is good.

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    1. True, but I think you're the wise one. x

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