Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Done with all that

I have a post I wrote several weeks ago that has been sitting in my drafts folder. A post about the trial that never was.  I wrote about the months leading up to the trial, his alibi (which was ridiculous), the innocent people he chose to throw under the bus to try to save himself, the shell-shocked witnesses (myself included) who found ourselves in a position of preparing to defend ourselves against someone else’s crime, the anxiety and lost sleep.

I wrote it because I felt like I needed to finish telling the story. Wrap it up neatly. Three years of grossness tied up with a bow.

I wrote it and then I found I had no desire to post it. One, because…just, yuk.  I am so tired of writing about child pornography. I’m ready to be done with that.

And secondly, I’ve come to the realization that really, it will never be done.  As long as he’s alive, incarcerated or not, it will go on. The litigation will go on (because it can). The withholding of child support will go on, the demands for visitation will go on (Leavenworth? Seriously?).

And that’s okay. It will go on and I will keep doing what I need to do to combat it, simply because the alternative is not acceptable. It will go on, but it is not my story anymore.

Finally, in the months since his incarceration, I’ve felt the return of joy. I’ve felt the return of lightness. I’ve felt happiness unfolding like a flower from within and expanding around me to encompass more and more of my life. It feels so good to be in this place again. I don’t want to leave it to revisit the past.

* * *

Right now my family and I are on vacation. We have hit the road. We are visiting friends, including one or two amazing people I met on this unimaginable journey, who showed up to cheer from the sidelines. It’s nice to see them in person, give them a hug and say thanks.

Today I watched my kids walk on stilts. I watched them watch a man juggle fire, and then we all sat on the steps of an old church in a small town, tired and spent, waiting for a parade to begin. I watched my kids and felt the full force of love.

We had Ben & Jerry’s ice cream for dinner and s’mores for dessert. And we can do that because it’s my birthday and I said we can. I’m turning forty-mumble-mumble. It’s a good age. Old enough to have a lot of experience under my belt and young enough to dream of things yet to come.

We built a bonfire and lit sparklers and roasted marshmallows in the rain. It started to thunder and lightning, and then the skies opened up and it poured down on us and it was amazing. Our fire went out and we ate wet s'mores.

* * * *

The last three years…my god. I don’t even know what to say about them. Being able to write through my fear and grief was life-saving. It was cathartic and helped me make sense of what was happening. I so appreciate all the support you showed me as I made my way through that darkness. You were the light that illumined the path before me, that allowed me to know where to place my next step.

But now I’m out the other side. As much as I appreciate the arc of a good story, I’m afraid we’ll have to live without that last chapter. I’m already on to the next one and I don’t want to look back.
















34 comments:

  1. Kristen, quite understandable. It's just good to see you back and to hear about your life, whichever parts you choose to share. I wish you and the kids all the best.

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  2. I am so glad you have been able to move on and past that horribleness and, while it will always be part of your past, you have chosen not to allow it to affect your future !!!
    Ice-cream for dinner and s'mores for dessert - a lady after my own heart !!
    Have the best day - love, hugs and positive energy !
    Me

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    1. Coffee Heath Bar Crunch, to be exact! x

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  3. I can feel the lightness in your words Lovely. You are so strong to have written that last chapter and moved on to the next. I wish you continued joy and am so happy for you that you've found it despite the horror. Much love. X

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    1. Thanks, Cat. I really appreciate your support!

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  4. This post made me smile. So pleased for you. xx

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    1. Yay, indeed. I hope the darkness is lifting for you, as well. x

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  6. I totally agree. Some things need to be packed away and closed up. No need to keep dragging them out and looking at them.

    When you're done, you're done. And you're done!

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  7. Good on you lovely woman. Your story is your story and you are moving on. yeah! big hugs, xx

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    1. Thanks, sweetie! Thanks for staying along for the whole ride.

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  8. Ah hells yeah, KB...you are such a beautiful instrument through which darkness transforms into light. I am so honored to be witness to both the fire and the ashes, and the regeneration as well - a glorious phoenix rising.

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    1. Wow, thank you. Can I frame your comment? You're friendship has been such a huge support along the way. x

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  9. So happy for you that the nightmare is over. There will be other stuff and it will never go away truly, because you have children together, but at least one torrid chapter is done. Enjoy the lightness and freedom...

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    1. Thanks, Dorothy. I hope you are beginning to feel lighter, as well.

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  10. Good attitude you've adopted. And a lovely picture of beautiful girl at the end.

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    1. Thanks, A. I love that picture, too. Gorgeous girl. x

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  11. HAppy, happy, HAPPY Birthday! I am so grateful to see that your Forty-mubmle-mumble-th year is beginning with hope and love and life. May every step from now on be towards all the good that you deserve.

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    1. LOL...thank you! I plan to make this the best damn mumble-mumble year ever!

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  12. Why bother with a last painful chapter when you are already starting a wonderful new story...? Go where the inspiration takes you; you'll never regret it. Hugs.

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    1. I was thinking today that my inspiration needs to take me to the UK to visit you and LCM. :)

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    2. Damned right. Get your butt over here now!

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    3. Have been plotting ever since I typed that yesterday. Seriously. Cirrus lee.

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  13. It gives me much joy to read these words. I have been reading through the struggle and I applaud your exit out the other side, like a butterfly releasing herself from the tight cocoon. Fly high and free! And never mind looking back.

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  14. Happy Birthday and I'm so glad you are starting a new chapter.... or maybe an entirely new story or book altogether! Fly high!

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  15. This makes me happy. I had to check in, see how you were doing. You sound wonderful. Peaceful. At peace, I mean. I miss you.

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    1. Melissa, it's so nice to hear from you! You have been in my thoughts. I hope you are doing well. I miss you too. x

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